SURVIVE AND THRIVE
Nine ways to have your own back in hard times
When we asked thousands of you how you’re feeling – honestly – right now, the picture wasn’t great. While only 10% of you rated your mental health as poor or very poor before the pandemic, that’s now risen to 46% as we draw to the end of 2020. You also told us that you wanted to learn strategies that help. So, to that end, we’ve compiled an expert-led guide to help you survive (and even thrive) when things get tough
At times, it’s felt like 2020 is an active volcano, spewing out dramatic headlines while a widening torrent of dread about the horrors still to come flows below. Amid all the upset, keeping a lid on your own about-to-blow emotions, so as not to add fuel to the fire, is an understandable response. But it’s not a smart one. Denying yourself care and understanding because ‘others have it worse’ doesn’t make their circumstances any better, and will only kick the proverbial can of your own upset further down the road. Don’t just take our word for it. In a review published in The Journal Of Psychotherapy Practice And Research last year, researchers concluded that expressing your emotions is crucial to physical health, mental health and general wellbeing, while a reliance on ‘concealment’ of feelings was described as a barrier to achieving good health.
While seeking help from a professional should always be your first port of call if you think you’re dealing with a mental health issue, there are plenty of things that you can do for yourself to foster a more positive mindset in these uniquely trying times. To show you how, we’ve recruited some of the world’s most in-demand experts in mental health and emotional wellbeing – psychologists, mindfulness masters and more – and on the following pages they share how you can choose the right self-care strategies for you in order to cultivate the resilience, hope and fortitude everyone needs a little help with right now.
1 RESET YOUR STRESS RESPONSE
Not so cool, calm and collected as you’d like? The reality is that your default reaction when things don’t go well will impact how quickly you’ll conquer hurdles. Here’s how to ID your coping style, and the best ways to adapt in order to overcome challenges a little more easily
ARE YOU... THE PROBLEM-SOLVER
In an emotional emergency, you like to take action and avoid dwelling on your feelings. ‘You’ll need to address them at some point, or they’ll build up,’ warns Dr Carla Marie Manly, psychologist and author of Joy From Fear.
LEVEL UP YOUR REACTION
Make expressing yourself, not fixing yourself, your first step. If you’re feeling low and need help unpacking that, call someone who you feel you don’t need to be strong for. Sometimes, the strongest move is to feel first and act later.
THE PROCESSOR
You turn inwards for answers (going for a run, having a long bath) and take time to reach clarity. This can be a great way to develop understanding, according to Dr Manly, provided you don’t get stuck in an emotional spiral with no plan at the end.
LEVEL UP YOUR REACTION
Replace one not-especially-productive self-care act (blasting out Lauryn Hill in the bath, for instance) with one that addresses your problem, like booking a therapy appointment or arranging meet-ups with friends you’ve not seen in a while.
THE AVOIDER
You can be a stick-your-head-inthe-sand type. You don’t want to acknowledge – much less resolve – difficult, messy emotions. But while these behaviours might give comfort in the moment, they’re not a long-term salve.
LEVEL UP YOUR REACTION
The key to escaping an avoidant state is to imagine being in your current position forever. Ask yourself: is ignoring this going to get me what I want in the future? Use this realisation to galvanise yourself – the time to start moving forwards is now.
2 MAKE TIME FOR FEEL-GOOD HABITS
Tap into one of these happiness hacks for a fast track to instant joy 2 MINS REPLAY THE BEST PART OF YOUR DAY
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Former news anchor Dan Harris had a panic attack live on Good Morning
America, leading him on a quest for happiness that resulted in his bestselling book 10% Happier.
Before bed, Harris says he thinks of one good thing that happened in his day – a quick, manageable trick to help you fall asleep on a positive note.
15 MINS DIARISE WORRY TIME
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‘Schedule a time in your calendar when you’re allowed to feel stressed or overwhelmed,’ Dr Anhalt says. ‘When that slot is over, move on. That frees up your mind the rest of the day to experience the positive thoughts coming your way.’ It sounds counterintuitive, but it really works.
5 MINS GO TO YOUR SAFE HAVEN
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‘Think about a moment in time when you felt comfortable and relaxed, and float back there,’ says trauma specialist Dr Laurie Nadel. It could be the beach from a memorable holiday or your best friend’s sofa, but spending a few minutes mentally hanging out there can help to restore a sense of security in you.
30 MINS SWEAT IT OUT
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We don’t need to preach to you about the transformative power of exercise on your mind. But it’s useful to know that, even in a week when time is scarce, just half an hour can make a difference. Low-intensity aerobic exercise – for 30 to 35 minutes, three to five days a week – has been shown to deliver a significant improvement in mood, according to a study by the Mental Health Foundation.
10 MINS READ YOUR SELF-ESTEEM FILE
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When someone gives you positive feedback, or you do something that makes you feel proud of yourself, add it to an ongoing Google Doc or a journal. ‘It’s compelling to see this hard evidence that you’re good, valuable and making a difference,’ says Dr Emily Anhalt, a workplace emotional fitness consultant.
60 MINS MAKE TIME FOR FUN
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Play is an undervalued pillar of emotional fitness – it’s about letting yourself think outside of what feels possible or logical, like you do when you brainstorm. If the activities that normally constitute play time are unavailable right now, find something else that fills you up in the same way. It might be
Call Of Duty, it could be Scrabble. It all counts.
3 DON’T COMPARE YOUR PAIN
Remember, how you deal with pain is not a competition. ‘We become afraid to talk about losses that feel less significant compared with those of others,’ says Lori Gottlieb, psychotherapist and author of Maybe You Should Talk
To Someone (£16.99, Scribe). ‘But when you ignore those feelings, they’ll come out in other ways, such as short-temperedness or wasting hours online – whatever numbs the pain.’ Rather than telling yourself to toughen up, show yourself the compassion you’d have for a beloved friend.
‘If someone said to you, “I’m really sad that I couldn’t have a big birthday party for my thirtieth this year,” you’d commiserate with them,’ says Gottlieb. ‘You need to respond with that compassion for yourself.’ Sure, cultivate gratitude for the things that make you happy, but also try to acknowledge the sadness, frustration and crushing disappointment you feel, to stop it weighing you down.
‘As a Black woman, I’d never felt more uneasy than I did this summer, when several Black Americans were killed by police or citizens within a short period, and those events sparked passionate protests worldwide. I felt drained, not only from advocating, but also just from reading the news. But I knew I wasn’t the only one feeling that way. I learned that taking time for yourself is vital – making sure you have the emotional reserves that allow you to show up is as important as advocating for Black lives and the anti-racism movement.’
Alexis Jones, WH contributor
TO BUILD RESILIENCE IN THE FACE OF RACIAL TRAUMA
‘Make time for joy. It’s also a form of resistance,’ says Dr Candice Hargons, founding director of the Center for Healing Racial Trauma in the US. ‘I personally find happiness in meditation and cooking (my baked tilapia is banging).’
Engage at your capacity. Do what you can handle at any time to support a cause. Need a break? ‘Take a day to write about or sit with your feelings,’ says Yolo Akili Robinson, founder and executive director of the Black Emotional and Mental Health Collective (BEAM).
Connect with a professional trained in racial trauma. Use The Black, African and Asian Therapy Network (baatn.org.uk) to find therapists in your area who meet your needs. If money’s tight, ask your therapist about what lowcost options they offer.
5 ‘Declutter your mind so it becomes a room you want to spend time in,’ says Jay Shetty, a former Buddhist monk, host of the On Purpose podcast and author of Think Like A Monk: Train Your Mind For Peace And Purpose Every Day (£14.99, Harper Collins). ‘Spot the thought patterns you don’t like, stop and reflect on why, and then rewrite them in such a way that serves you better,’ says Shetty. Here’s how to take it for a test run…
SHOT ‘I’m lonely.’ STOP
Think about your word choice and the connotations. For this example, consider how time alone needn’t mean isolation and distance. Instead, it can be synonymous with strength and reflection, and give you time to look inwards so you can offer more to both yourself and others afterwards.
SWAP
‘This is a period of solitude and I’ll come out of it with better self-awareness.’
6 LEARN TRICKS TO WAKE UP AND GO TO BED HAPPIER IN THE AM MOVE 1
Stretch your body and notice where you feel discomfort (noting what’s in your head, too). Repeat for two minutes. Take deep breaths and sit with any discomfort for a few beats.
MOVE 2
Focus on one piece of insight that can be your prompt for the sort of day you want to have. This could be a quote, a mantra, a podcast clip or a page from your favourite book.
MOVE 3
Express thankfulness. Send someone an appreciative text or voice note. Convey your feelings with words that are specific, not generic – it’ll mean more, and you’ll also feel better.
IN THE EVENING MOVE 1
Have a moment of stillness with yourself (that’s meditation at a basic level – don’t overthink it). Feel your mind wandering in a negative direction? That’s okay, go with it.
MOVE 2
As you’re brushing your teeth, give mental thanks for a situation that unfolded the way you wanted it to that day.
MOVE 3
Reflect on one thing that went wrong and unpack the part you played in that. Accepting responsibility helps build agency.
7 TAKE A LITTLE BREATHER
Three WH editors give their tried-and-tested resources for helping them unplug
‘My switching-off routine always involves movement – challenging my body with a sweat session helps me tune everything else out. But when I’m feeling anxious, Yoga with Adriene’s gentle Youtube flows are my go-to to help me sleep.’
Kirsti Buick, Junior Fitness Editor
‘I’m obsessed with The Receipts Podcast. It features three London girls who speak so openly and hilariously about the trials and tribulations of womanhood. Every episode has me howling with laughter, it’s the perfect antidote to a stressful day.’
Perdita Nouril, Beauty Editor
‘With work-from-home lifestyles cancelling the commute, there’s no natural break between logging off and switching off, so at 6pm I shut the laptop, pull on my trainers and lap the block. I then re-enter the house 15 minutes later and it feels like coming home after a day in the office.’
Amy Lane, Digital Editor
8 PRACTISE GETTING UNSTUCK
Dr Angela Duckworth, psychologist and author of Grit: The Power Of Passion And Perseverance (£9.99, Ebury), shares how to rediscover your drive and get your ambition back on track
Q: How can you spur passion in your career when you feel stagnant – or you’ve experienced a setback?
A: I think people are happiest when they’re in pursuit of a meaningful goal. When you lose that sensation, you feel purposeless and not useful. My advice: think back to endeavours that made you feel great, and ask yourself why. Did you love working with your hands? Or did you enjoy the sense of teamwork? Then find a new way to get to that same end feeling.
Q: Scrolling through memes on the sofa sounds pretty enticing when you’re feeling low, though...
A: So many of our behaviours are responses to stress, and it’s important to acknowledge that many of our coping mechanisms are perfectly healthy, including humour and altruism. So, it’s okay to acknowledge that you’re not feeling great and then enjoy that funny TV show. It’s pretty tough to forge ahead if you ignore this self-care part.
Q: We’re big fans of selfcare, but it’s easy to feel guilty about taking time for yourself – any advice?
A: There’s no such thing as overdosing on selfcompassion. In fact, when people feel cared for, that’s when they take care of others. You’ll have heard it before, but it bears repeating: you can’t make a difference if your own cup is empty. It follows that doing things to help refill it will benefit the people you love, too.
9 SEND GOOD VIBES
Practising ‘loving kindness’ might sound fluffy, but research has shown that this kind of meditation has real health benefits, such as boosting your resilience and even helping to reduce chronic pain.
Want to try it? Bring to mind someone you’re indifferent to (let’s say, your postman). Wish them well in your head with a series of phrases (‘may you be safe, happy and healthy’), kind of like a greeting card you’re not sending. Then sit back and bask in the warm wishes.
‘The practice is designed to help you pay attention differently,’ says Sharon Salzberg, veteran Buddhist meditation teacher and author of several books on the topic. ‘You’ll naturally notice more awareness and connection when you see that person again,’ she explains. ‘And there’s no need to force a special feeling.’ The sense of connection and kindness for others will eventually start to translate into how you feel about yourself, too. Double win.