OUT OF BOUNDS

How to draw the line when people ask too much of you

When was the last time you said yes to something, even though the idea filled you with dread? Was it last week, via Whatsapp? Last night, over dinner? Or perhaps it was in your most recent meeting with your boss. Regardless of who’s causing you to acquiesce all over the place, chances are you could use a refresher on boundaries. You know, the rules of engagement for how you wish to be treated by others that mental health experts rave about. If they were a talking point before the pandemic, they feel all the more important now that the white space that existed between many areas of your life has been largely eroded. ‘Boundaries set limits for what people can expect from you,’ says psychotherapist Lorraine Green. ‘When people respect your boundaries, you feel heard, understood and respected.’ Put simply, they’re the building blocks of your self-esteem and selfworth. Fail to put them in place – or adhere to the boundaries you’ve previously built – and it will take a toll on your wellbeing in ways you may not even notice. ‘When your boundaries are poor, you can find that you end up giving away all of your time and energy – you can burn out quickly, without knowing why,’ says clinical psychologist Dr Sophie Mort, author of

A Manual For Being Human (£14.99, Simon & Schuster). ‘Having clear boundaries allows you to say yes to the things that are important to you, no to the things that aren’t, and maybe to the stuff in between.’ So, let’s learn how to build them, shall we?

THE WORK/LIFE BOUNDARY the situation

Lockdown thoroughly blurred the lines between work time and your time, and while you may be well-accustomed to your new WFH set-up, you’re struggling to stop workplace stress from seeping into the rest of your life. It doesn’t help that you’re probably working longer hours, too; UK workers have been logging an additional two hours per day since lockdown began, according to data from NORDVPN, while a survey by Liberty Games found that

41% are now more likely to work through lunch. With every Teams ding provoking a Pavlovian response to lunge for the nearest trackpad, it’s time you learned how to actually check out.

build the boundary

It probably won’t surprise you to learn that your current MO is doing you no good. A 2017 study by the University of Zurich confirmed what you’ve probably felt firsthand. Researchers found that employees without a clear separation from work – you know, taking calls from your bed when it’s the only quiet place, or having meetings with a toddler on your lap – were less likely to factor in relaxation and recovery outside of it, leading to fatigue. Which, FYI, does not a target-smashing employee make. The construction of this boundary begins with those in your ‘office’, whether that’s negotiating more flexible deadlines with your boss, or setting a time window when you’ll be looking at emails. As for the people in your home, productivity expert Nir Eyal suggests introducing a ‘concentration crown’. ‘Find the most ridiculous hat you own and let your partner/children/ flatmates know that when you’re wearing it, you can’t be disturbed,’ he explains.

‘By doing this, you’re sending a very clear signal to those around you that you’re not to be interrupted.’ The final part falls to you. Dr Mort suggests implementing ‘corridor activities’ that serve the same function as a commute. ‘If you’re not in an office, going for a walk before work can give you the break you need, while exercising or calling a friend can help clearly signal the end of the working day,’ she explains. An intentional slamming shut of your laptop can deliver a real dose of satisfaction, too.

in your toolkit

Toggl Track app (free; Apple, Google Play) This app keeps track of exactly where your time is going each day, allowing you to better keep to your salaried hours, and providing boss-ready evidence of any ongoing overtime.

THE HEALTH BOUNDARY the situation

Your thrice weekly plod around the park has become a mainstay of your self-care routine. Lacing up and hitting the pavement is all about finding headspace, so when an enthusiastic friend says she’s eager to join you, your heart sinks. Or perhaps it’s work meetings that are eating into your weekly therapy slot. You may have a habit of scheduling, then cancelling, workouts. It’s never been more important to prioritise your health, so why does it feel so hard?

build the boundary

Communicating your health boundaries with someone starts with understanding why the thing you need to make time for – be that a workout, therapy session or meditation class – is so valuable to you, says chartered sport psychologist Dr Josie Perry.

She suggests writing down your own goals and why you’re working to achieve them, before explaining them to others. ‘Understanding your motivation for doing something will help them to see the impact it has on you, as opposed to them,’ she explains. ‘In the context of the friend who wants to run with you, it means they’re less likely to take it personally.’ If you’re the one who needs reminding that your health takes priority, building a routine can be useful. Take workouts, for example. ‘If you train at a certain time each day, it’s easier to communicate that to the other people who make demands on your time, whether that’s your partner, your kids or your colleagues,’ adds Dr Perry. ‘This limits your chances of bailing on your workout because of outside distractions, while also training your brain and body to expect to exercise during a certain window.’

in your toolkit

Apple Watch Series 6, (£379; apple.com/uk) The ultimate accountability buddy, Apple’s Activity app will send your wrist a buzz if you haven’t got your steps in by your usual time – helping you stick to your own schedule when it comes to your fitness.

‘When your boundaries are poor, you can burn out quickly’

THE FAMILY BOUNDARY the situation

Between work, childcare and keeping a close eye on the news cycle, you’re stretched enough as it is. But your family members seem to think you’re a modernday Mary Poppins, free to help them out whenever – whether that’s lending your slow cooker to your cousin or playing the diplomat in yet another sibling dispute.

build the boundary

Having healthy boundaries with your family means setting a limit on what you’re able to do, and communicating that to those around you, says Green. ‘Work out how much time you’re willing – and able – to give away, then communicate this clearly,’ she explains. As for dealing with any resistance you might meet, it helps to understand your motivation, so you can explain it to others. Most importantly, you need to stick to your word. ‘The peacemakers in families are often the people-pleasers, so it can be hard not to do what someone wants you to do,’ adds Green. Remember, maintaining your boundaries doesn’t mean you’re not being kind or respectful of your relationship – in fact, doing so will likely strengthen it in the long run. And when the guilt comes a-knocking, Green has this advice: ‘As long as you can answer “yes” to the question: “Am I being reasonable?”, there’s no need to feel guilty about upholding your boundaries.’

in your toolkit

Where To

Draw The Line: How To Set Healthy Boundaries Every

Day by Anne Katherine (£11.70, Simon & Schuster)

In an area that’s more difficult than most, further reading may be required – this book has all the pointers you need to help you stand your ground with demanding family members.

THE RELATIONSHIP BOUNDARY the situation

You’re fully committed to life as a pair but your partner’s most maddening quality – disorganisation, nitpicking, lateness – is having an impact on your ability to do all the things you want and need to do. It’s causing repeated arguments that go nowhere.

build the boundary

A big sign that you need to put up – and protect – boundaries in a relationship is when your partner repeatedly acts in a way that bothers you. ‘It’s essential for maintaining your self-respect as an individual in the context of your coupling,’ explains Green. ‘And while you don’t always have to explain why you’re asking something of your partner, providing context and examples can help them understand you more clearly.’ It’s important to remember that boundaries need building – and tending to – at any stage of a relationship, particularly after a big change, like moving in together or having a baby, adds Neil Wilkie, psychotherapist and creator of The Relationship Paradigm course. ‘Any big change is an important time to review your boundaries – reflect on how the new situation has affected you both and your dynamic, then jointly work through what changes are needed in response,’ he explains.

in your toolkit

@silvykhoucasian

Hit follow for nuggets of wisdom and easy-to-use templates for building boundaries with your partner, from therapistslash-relationship coach Silvy Khoucasian.

THE FRIENDS BOUNDARY the situation

A dear friend is going through her bimonthly personal drama. If the problem’s not with her relationship, it’s with her job or a mutual friend; if you weren’t so fatigued by always being her crutch of choice, you might have more energy to spare. You want to help, you really do, but you’re dealing with your own stuff right now.

build the boundary

If friends are the family you choose, what do you do when your so-called chosen sibling is asking too much of you? That friendships involve a different dynamic to family relationships makes them uniquely difficult to navigate, says Green, who advises setting your boundaries around when you feel you can be there for them, fully. ‘It may not need to be a direct “no”, but it’s important to make it clear that you can’t drop everything to talk to them that instant,’ she explains. Widening their support network could be helpful for the both of you. If you’re planning a coffee – virtual or otherwise – to talk over the dilemma, you might want to suggest a couple of mutual friends join you. That way, you can share the load with others, while giving your friend a perspective that isn’t just yours. Next time, she might feel close enough to reach out to them instead.

Feel like they’re just not getting it? Someone constantly overstepping any boundary is frustrating – so protect it.

‘It needn’t be a full ultimatum, but you may need to be more assertive than you’re used to if they don’t start respecting the boundary you’ve set,’ adds Green. If you don’t, she warns, not only will you deplete your energy reserves, you may risk your relationship, too. Good friends will get it.

in your toolkit

How To

Build A Healthy Social Life, Going For Goal

This episode of Going For Goal, our very own podcast, is a must-listen. Learn how to do an annual social review and how to leave a Whatsapp group you don’t want to be in (yes, it can be done) from clinical psychologist Dr Jessamy Hibberd and journalist Toni Jones.

‘You may need to be more assertive than you’re used to’