ADULT ESTRANGEMENT: THE EXPERT VIEW

Dr Joshua Coleman is a psychologist and senior fellow with the Council on Contemporary Families. His new book, Rules Of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties And How To Heal The Conflict (£16.99, Sheldon Press), is out on 4 March

Why might someone choose to become estranged from their family?

A 2015 survey by the University of Cambridge and estrangement support charity Stand Alone found that emotional abuse, mismatched expectations about family roles, clashes of personality or values, neglect, mental illness and trauma were the most common reasons. Many adult children who estrange themselves report feeling relief from the tension and stress that was caused by the relationship – they may even feel a sense of empowerment. However, some report ongoing feelings of guilt or shame about their decision, as well as sadness that they weren’t able to find a solution that allowed them to remain part of the family.

What advice would you give to anyone considering estrangement?

Before you make a decision, it’s important to give your family members the opportunity to change and modify their behaviour if they can. When communicating your complaints or requests, be sure to do so in a non-shaming, non-critical way and give your family member fair warning that you’re considering ending the relationship. You could say something like: ‘I don’t think I can keep seeing you if you can’t talk to me or treat me in a more respectful way. Is that something you’d consider working on?’

What can you do to take care of yourself after becoming estranged?

It’s important to seek support where you can. Interacting with groups such as

Stand Alone can be useful to help combat the feelings of shame and social isolation you might be experiencing. If you’re able, it’s also helpful to work with a therapist, who can aid you in your self-compassion and self-understanding.

For more advice on family estrangement or to seek support at any stage, go to standalone.org.uk