‘Shame is like sunburn: hot and tender, but eventually the dead skin sloughs off’

In the Mormon church, expressing your sexuality is seen as taboo. No dating until 16, no sex until marriage. Obedience, modesty and chastity were foundational values. I struggled with that upbringing. I knew as a teenager that I was polyamorous and bisexual, but I thought that meant something was wrong with me. In my experience, shame is like sunburn: hot and tender to the touch, but eventually the dead skin starts to slough off. You end up rubbing and picking at it. It’s a shedding process, of other people’s judgements. It’s uncomfortable. But you shed and shed until your new skin comes through. I first started picking at my sunburn at an African dance class, where

I felt simultaneously embarrassed and excited looking at myself in the mirror, thrusting my open hips. Then there was a trip to Maui, where I got my first taste of being with multiple people. I now have two loving, long-term partners.

Still, I wasn’t out to everyone; I only recently told my parents. I was nervous, but they supported me. The key to living beyond shame is trusting that sharing what’s in your heart can never be wrong in the long run. If you really want to feel alive, start telling the truth. I’m no longer plagued by the sting of shame when talk of relationships comes up. I feel happy in my new skin.