‘Shame never made me lose weight, but it made me lose myself’

I come from a big family, and I don’t mean there are lots of us. My dad is 6ft 8in, my mum is 5ft 10in, my brothers are 6ft 7in and I’m 6ft. I’ve been taller and bigger than most people my entire life. But it didn’t bother me until I was 10, when a little boy told me I wouldn’t be so fat if I didn’t eat so much. The correlation stuck: food = fat; fat = bad. After that, I’d go on ‘diets’ where I’d starve myself for weeks. I had an incredibly cruel inner dialogue all the way through university. But slowly, after graduation, my life expanded. I found that I was a talented graphic artist, moved to New York, said yes to everything and started living the life I’d always imagined. Still, that mean voice was there, albeit quieter. Then one night, I saw a meme of a woman at the gates of heaven listening to God talk about her life: 96 years on earth, 65-year marriage, four kids, 15 grandkids. She asks God, ‘What was my biggest worry?’ He checks his notes and says, ‘It was being 2st overweight.’

That struck me. I thought, ‘Have I spent my entire life in complete self-loathing for… no one? Did I sacrifice my health and self-worth being ashamed of something I don’t even hate in other people?’ It was transformative. I gave myself permission to let go of the embarrassment, because it never made me lose weight, but it made me lose myself. Situations that would have been my nightmare in the past, such as struggling to get into a wetsuit on holiday, are no big deal any more. The difference is that I recognise my beauty, and I’m not fixated on anyone’s opinion of me any more. And that has brought me so much joy.