Your writing critiqued
Author and lecturer James McCreet applies his forensic criticism to a reader’s first 300 words
The grey metal lockers of the changing rooms slam with a familiar rhythm.1 Some staff carry the end of work day weariness2 in their shoulders, 3others give a cheery ‘See you tomorrow.’
Never to me.4
If I had an identifier it would be “the quiet dark one”.5 People tend to be wary of those in my position.6 My quietness, coupled with being the only woman on the killfloor didn’t encourage small talk or friendship.7 I didn’t mind. I understood that I was unnatural.8 The job and my long-standing presence in it were only part of that.9
Today will be ten years.10 Shanti said we should celebrate, and I didn’t doubt she’d have something planned for when I got home.11 She was always home first and would come to the door the minute my car beams shone through the front windows of our small demountable home.12
I’m not sure that ‘rhythm’ is the right word. It suggests something systematic, repeatable or harmonious when the truth is probably more like an arbitrary cacophony. What’s the best way to describe that sound? Still, I like the idea of starting with sound rather than vision. It can act as a metaphor for dissonance.
You need to use hyphens in ‘end-of-work-day’ because that combination of words goes together to form a single compound adjective.
You can’t use a comma after ‘shoulders’ because you’re starting a new sentence. It could be full stop or a semi-colon.
She was the cheery one. My colleagues would have chatted with her endlessly.13 It is this way with sisters sometimes.14 Those born close together. But then Shanti would never have taken up work in an abattoir.15
To begin with, it had simply been the only work that was available to us. We were not trusted with the cleaning of people’s houses.16 The abattoir, however, did not baulk at our origins or heavilyaccented English. Or perhaps, it was simply the fact that locals would not do such work, for any money.17
Later18 Shanti did manage to get a job at a small real estate company cleaning their offices. She was reliable, had a bright smile that made the owners feel magnanimous19 and most of all didn’t cause a fuss about long hours and poor wages. Soon enough20 she was responsible for cleaning the new rentals and had a small, steady income.21
This short, isolated paragraph has a lot of impact. It focuses the reader’s attention firmly on the narrator and her alienation from the group.
There should be a comma after ‘identifier’ because it’s a (subordinate) conditional clause. Also, you need to be clear which system you’re using regards full stops inside or outside the quotation marks. Inside looks neater to my mind. ‘Identifier’ doesn’t sound quite right. ‘Label’ or ‘tag’ would be more colloquial.
This is good to build suspense and get the reader wondering. The brevity of the sentence is also good, suggesting the choppy rhythms of the narrator’s genuine voice. We see that the speaker has a solid sense of self.
There should be a comma after ‘killfloor’ because it’s part of a clause fragment. The word ‘killfloor’ is also very good for sharpening the reader’s interest.
The short sentences create conversational rhythms. It feels like the narrator is really talking to us. However, the tense has changed for no apparent reason. We started in present tense so if we’re staying in that scene, it should be ‘I don’t mind.’
This suggests that there’s more to learn about the character – a hook to keep the reader reading.
Back to the present. The short sentence is percussive and refocuses the reader.
Back to past tense again. This is quite confusing. Is this all being told in retrospect or are we in the present?
The ‘demountable home’ is a subtle indicator that we’re in a different place or time. The narrator doesn’t have to explain because it’s her everyday normality, but the reader has to be intrigued.
I like this contrast between the two sisters.
The phrasing is odd here. The voice is so natural and colloquial in its rhythms that ‘It is’ seems overly formal. We might assume it’s an indication of the narrator’s level of English, but the rest of the extract doesn’t show this so it looks like an error. Use a contraction: It’s.
The sentence rhythm continues conversationally and mirrors the fractured nature of real speech or thoughts. Ending the paragraph this way cues a change of direction to start discussing the sister.
Again, maintain the conversational tone by writing we weren’t trusted.’
If you want to emphasise ‘for any money,’ a comma is not the correct punctuation. Commas are not used to indicate pauses or breaths. Use a full stop or a dash or nothing. Also ‘Would not’ would be better expressed as ‘wouldn’t.’ No comma is necessary after ‘perhaps.
Comma after ‘later’.
Use a comma after ‘magnanimous’ to avoid the sense continuing. The reader might expect to see another adjective. This is one of those examples where the so-called Oxford comma has a clear function.
Comma after ‘soon enough.’
Where have we arrived after
300 words? We started with the banging lockers and now we’re talking about Shanti’s career path. What’s the narrative thread of this opening?