In summary
In her original email, the writer hopes that a detailed critique will help her to decide if she should continue with this work in progress or give up. At this stage, the question isn’t whether to continue. Rather, it’s a question of learning the basics. That’s the first step. Later, with the right tools in hand, a novel will be more likely to succeed.
The basic elements of effective writing are missing in this piece but all can be learned without too much anguish. The language is imprecise and cliché-riddled, which renders it descriptive white noise. Description should evoke images and sensations in the reader, but words such as ‘glorious’ and phrases like ‘my stomach flipped’ are writing by numbers. They are phrases we may use in everyday speech, but are largely meaningless in print. A writer must actively choose words and make sentences – not assemble pastiches of readymade phrases.
The paragraphing is incorrect throughout. Each time the focus changes (perspective, voice, mood, thought), so should the paragraph. This especially important in dialogue so we can focus on who is speaking or thinking at different points.
The punctuation is wrong or missing in numerous instances. It is impossible to write anything without understanding the rules and implementing them, particularly in dialogue. We all make typos occasionally, but the evidence here is that the rules are unknown. Punctuation is not difficult (apart from commas, whose usage tend to vary depending on taste) and the rules can be learned in an afternoon. Every writer should know them.
The scene itself has potential. They’ve come to this remote spot and he’s sprung an uncomfortable conversation on her in the early stages of a relationship. The key to getting this right is to adequately establish where they are (make it visible to the reader) and organise the dialogue correctly so that it has pace and tension. Cramped together as it is, paragraphless, clichéd, and without the correct punctuation, it loses most of the impact it should have.
Most readers who are not writers don’t register exactly why they don’t like a piece of writing. They say they ‘couldn’t get into it’ or that it’s boring. What’s really happening is that the basic storytelling tools are missing. That’s the difference. Should the author continue with this project? Absolutely!
But first take a break and learn the essentials of writing.