Clock-watching

Gillian Harvey is evolving a whole new theory of time based on waiting to hear how her manuscript is faring

Whether you’re a seasoned, contracted writer, or someone like me scrabbling for leftovers in the slush pile, you’ll probably have noticed that the wheels of the publishing industry turn painfully slowly.

At this moment, I have a book on sub to publishers. And – since it was sent into the world – have been eagerly anticipating responses for… oh god: what seems like Years.

Because, as anyone who’s been on sub, or sent a novel to agents, or simply spent a while trying to get pen to paper knows, time isn’t as fixed as we might imagine.

If you don’t believe me, believe Einstein, who – as you probably remember from your schooldays – reckoned time slows down the closer we get to the speed of light.

And – from one messy-haired genius to another – I applaud him for his contribution to scientific understanding.

But I will say this – he missed a bit. I’d like to add an extra level to his E = MC²:

1. Time can also pass exhaustingly slowly even if you spend the majority of time sitting at your desk and staring into the abyss.

2. Authors waiting to hear news on their books experience a phenomenon known as ‘the theory of read-waitmisery’. In this state, time passes so slowly that many a writer has descended into a state of madness (the Time/Author Wait misery theory or T = T = AW Look, I’m not saying I’m certifiable, per se. But my rate of email refreshing, the fact I wake each day thinking ‘This! This MUST be the day!’ against all evidence to the contrary, must at least indicate the need for an enormous dose of tranquilliser – probably best served from a distance in the form of a dart aimed by an professional zookeeper.

I’ve experienced the seven stages of writerly anguish:

1. Optimism (duration, approximately 30 minutes after you receive your agent’s email saying she’s sent out your manuscript). That moment when you feel your world is opening up and wonder whether you might just be the Next Big Thing.

2. Impatience – starts morning following subs. Signs include refreshing of emails and sending emails to agent about completely unrelated subjects just to ensure she is receiving them OK.

3. Horror – the sudden worry that comes over you that your manuscript wasn’t polished enough, and you should have given it one last read (resist the urge to check for typos at all costs. It’s too late).

4. Doldrums – the kind of ‘meh’ feeling you get when something that has totally dominated your life for the past six months/year/decade is now out of your hands and you don’t really know what to do with yourself.

5. Despair – starts two weeks following subs. Surely if it was such a work of genius, it would have been snapped up already? Hope begins to drip away.

6. Emotional turmoil (or an increase of) – starts shortly after despair. This is the stage where you’re liable to snap at your partner/ children/dog/the Hoover/PC out of the blue for doing something that is usually not triggering.

7. Acceptance. Realising that in order to survive you must accept that this is how the industry you are trying to work in functions. Better to get used to waiting and seize the time, rather than spend months sobbing over a lukewarm cup of tea.

Here’s how I’m passing the time:

1. Actually working – doing my day-to-day writing jobs which, at this moment, include a series of articles on the circulatory system.

2. Writing short stories – I pen these for magazines from time to time. I enjoy writing short stories and it’s all good brain exercise.

3. Trying to be frugal with the grocery shopping. Look, it’s not relevant to writing. But let’s face it, it’s a necessary part of life as a struggling writer.

4. Considering taking up jogging again. This may take some careful contemplation – don’t want to rush anything. But you never know, it might happen.

Anyway, enough angst. The good news? This column has taken me a couple of hours to write, which means I haven’t actually refreshed my email for a considerable time (2 hours in ‘reality’, 2 months according to the theory of T = AW).

That my friend, is what they call Growth.