Your writing critiqued

James McCreet applies his forensic criticism to the first 300 words of a reader’s manuscript

Viv Seaman is a member of Leigh Writers and their hobby is writing novels, which are aimed at adult reades. Previous writing successes include a few articles, a self-published novel for older children, a short story in a Richard and Judy compilation for charity and a few competition poems published. Viv has twice enjoyed the Writers’ Week at Swanwick, the first of which they won with a humorous written piece.

“There you go, Stacey.1 And see you don’t come back. We don’t wanna see your face round ’ere no more!”2

The sound of metal gates clanging shut echoes in my ears3 as I step over the iron grid4 and out into the strong sunshine of freedom. I open my mouth and scream5 until my lungs hurt.6

Passers-by don’t bother staring at me.7 The people who live near the prison seem used to such things.8 One old lady, trailing a shopping trolley,9 gives me a thumbs up. I manage a half-hearted smile in her direction.10 I should feel great, relieved,11 something other than how I do feel.12 Tired,13 no exhausted and deeply dejected.14

I sling the polythene bag holding my belongings over my shoulder and begin trudging along until I come to a bus-stop.15 Annoyingly,16 despite having plenty of funds in the bank, I can’t access them until I get home. I just have a small amount of cash the prison warder has given me. Enough for a bus to the nearest train station and a one-way ticket home to Essex.17 I can’t wait. I can almost detect18 the smell of seaweed and chips in my nostrils.19 The smell of home. Southend-on-Sea.

“I’ll get her for this.” I am aware I’m talking to myself.20 I used to do that all the time inside. “I’ll get my own back if it’s the last thing I do.” I am still muttering under my breath.21

It’s a busy place, East London, and it’s not long before a bus arrives.22 I check the front indicator.23 Fenchurch Street station.24 I haul my bag of stuff up to the top deck and plonk down on a seat near the stairs.24 I have to keep an eye out for the stop.25 I might have to get off quickly.26

1 A mildly confusing first sentence. It seems Stacey has been handed something and we might imagine she’s in a shop. The next sentence makes this unlikely, however, without clarifying what the thing was..

2 The exclamation mark suggests the speaker has suddenly started shouting. Why? This, and the lack of context, makes the fist paragraph confusing to read. Maybe the intention was to create suspense – what’s happening here? – but that’s not how it feels.

3 Clanging is a sound so you don’t need to tell us it’s a sound. Also, where else would Stacey hear it except in her ears? A pedantic point: the clanging is not echoing solely in her ears but generally. Indeed, I wonder if it’s actually echoing at all. Maybe more of a reverberation or vibration?

4 I’m imagining a kind of cattle grid here, but it can’t be. Why would she have to step over it? Why is it there?

5 Is it possible to scream without opening one’s mouth? Just write, ‘I screamed’ unless you want the reader specifically to picture the character standing in the street with their mouth open prior to screaming.

6 Is it the lungs that hurt after screaming? Or is it the throat and voice box? For the lungs to hurt, she’d have to be taking such deep breaths, and so many, that hyperventilation is the result. And even then, painful lungs would probably be from a preexisting condition.

7 Unlikely. A person is standing in the street and screaming until they’re literally in pain and nobody pays attention? It’s London, but still...

8 They’re used to recently released convicts screaming in the street? How often are convicts released for the locals to have become so accustomed to their screaming? I’m not entirely convinced.

9 What does ‘trailing’ mean? She’s pulling a shopping trolley behind her? That’s possible but inconvenient and improbable. Or is the shopping trolley pulling her along? The sentence seems to suggest that the trolley is in control.

10 Does the character smile at the old lady or ‘in her direction’? There’s a difference.

11 . A comma won’t work here. You need a dash or a colon.

12

Same again. If you want the meaning to flow, you need a dash or a colon. However, that would make the sentence as a whole less readable. The various clauses need unpicking and connecting with punctuation that helps the sense.

13

And again. A comma isn’t right for the kind of emphasis you want here. A dash and a comma would be better (see the rewrite).

14

The character has just stepped out into the sunshine of freedom and screamed. We might have assumed happiness, but it’s actually dejection? Did she enjoy being in prison?

15

No indication of how far she trudged. I’m assuming a matter of metres, but ‘trudging’ suggests a greater distance. Also, the phrasing makes it sound like she was looking for any bus stop rather than a particular one.

16

Avoid signposting emotions for the reader. Show that the character is annoyed by presenting their situation and let the reader perceive the annoyance.

17

I suggest a new paragraph here as we switch to the character’s reflections.

18

‘Detect’ is an odd word. This isn’t an investigation. It looks suspiciously like a synonym used to avoid repeating ‘smell’ but the solution is simpler: ‘I could almost smell the seaweed and chips...’

19

. Where else would she smell anything except in her nostrils? This said, it does raise the interesting question of smells we hold in our long-term memories. Can we ‘smell’ them when they are only being remembered?

20

Some people do talk to themselves. When characters do this in books or films, though, it tends to look like the author trying to tell the reader something in a very unsubtle way. Why say it out loud? Just have the character think it.

21

This makes the effect even more unnatural – highlighting to the reader that the character is still talking to herself. It’s also redundant because the quotation marks make it clear.

22

Do we need to be told that East London is busy? It seems like second-guessing a reader who might doubt the frequency of buses.

23

The front indicator is what tells other drivers if the bus is about to turn (assuming the driver uses them). What should we call the thing you’re referring to? The destination display?

24

Often, the destination displayed on the bus is the final stop rather than the stops along the way. I wonder if all buses that stop at Fenchurch Street have it on their displays?

25

Maybe it’s just me, but ‘plonk’ doesn’t seem to be a very good verb.

26

A potential non sequitur? Being on the upper deck wouldn’t necessarily make it easier to spot the stop, which could be on the other side of the bus. If the narrator already knows what the station looks like, being on the lower deck would be fine. If they don’t know, then it might be easier to closer to the driver and ask?

27

Why go upstairs if getting off quickly might be a necessity? It also suggests that the narrator doesn’t know where the station is, so being upstairs won’t help much with spotting it.