Publishers send OXM games. Loads of games. Good, bad and downright stinky. Every month, we delve into our Games Cupboard of Doom and replay a howler…
Oh Naughty Bear, oh bear of little brain, how do we loathe thee? Let us count the ways… One! The violently jittery camera, which makes us want to vomit our stuffing all over the floor every time we dare tap the right thumbstick in any direction.
Two! The crippling lack of a lock-on mechanic, making this a stealth game where stealth is almost out of the question – you spend an eternity creeping up behind another bear, only to then break out into an interpretive dance when you’re within earshot.
Three! The enemy AI, which is so birdbrained that you can shake off even the most persistent of pursuers by… waltzing into some waist-high grass. Indeed, the other bears are so comically suicidal that you wonder if Naughty Bear’s efforts are a complete waste – he could put on the kettle, put his feet up and Perfection Island would still manage to rid itself of life all by itself before the six o’clock news had begun. Four! What a desperate waste of a fabulous premise – a cutesy Hitman game with dozens of brutal ways to knock the stuffing out of your targets. How the heck do you muck that up?
And – worst of all – five! When Naughty Bear was originally released, the game’s PR man delivered us a full-sized bear suit, which idiot visitors to our office still insist on putting on and doing endless poses with to this day. Like Family Guy, that stuff stopped being funny in 2010.
// The PR gave us a big bear suit, which idiots insist on wearing//