Long pontoons

In Southern England, it’s generally accepted practice to call a marina on VHF radio or to phone before arrival. If all goes as it should, someone answers and you are told where to lie. Elsewhere, it’s often not like this at all. You simply pitch up, help yourself to a length of pontoon, then confess yourself to the harbourmaster later.

If you turn up at 0100 to discover a 40-footer in the middle of the sole hammerhead

Your blown-air heater can put evil intent in the hearts of your neighbours