‘MY PERFECT PARTNER TRIED TO STRANGLE ME’

Domestic abuse and violence against men is Yorkshire’s ‘biggest taboo’, with thousands of people too ashamed to report what happened to them due to stigma surrounding the crime. The Yorkshire Post spoke to one victim about his ordeal.

HE HAD a successful career at one of the world’s most luxurious airlines, lots of friends and a supportive family.

But Alan’s life was turned upside down after meeting Ben – who he thought was the love of his life.

After a whirlwind romance, Ben soon had Alan in the grip of his control with mental and physical torture.

Alan has now bravely spoken of his experience for the first time to The Yorkshire Post to encourage more victims to come forward.

It has been revealed tens of thousands of men across the county are victims of abuse and violence every year, with many too afraid to report offences to police because of the stigma attached to the crime.

“I met Ben through a mutual friend and we just hit it off straight away,” said Alan, 35.

“Within a day or two of meeting him I thought he was the one. I even left my wife for him, although our relationship had been more on a friendship level for over a year.

“I didn’t return home and stayed with Ben. It was the first time in my life I had felt wanted in a long time. He paid attention to me and I was attracted to him and in the first few weeks it was all really flattering.”

Things soon started to go wrong when Ben would take exception to Alan talking to his friends.

“He would get all moody if he thought I was talking to them more than I was him, which was ludicrous,” he said.

“It then kind of spiralled from there. I would have to send him my WhatsApp location when I was leaving work to make the 10-minute journey home so he knew where I was.

“He would hurl abuse at me if I didn’t buy him something he wanted. He would say he wanted to find a guy who would look after him. It was just constant, all the time. We would go to a restaurant and he would order the most expensive thing.”

By this time, Alan had already started another job, working as a manager of a community centre. He admits that he started stealing money from the company he worked for to fund Ben’s lavish lifestyle.

“What I did was really selfish and I had succumbed to his demands,” he said.

It was a trip to the doctors with Ben when Alan first realised he had become a victim of domestic abuse.

“I was looking at a poster about domestic violence and everything on it applied to me and the way Ben was treating me,” Alan said.

“But I kept thinking it was going to get better, despite him making me feel like I was losing control of my life. I was afraid if I ever left him he would hunt me down and kill me.”

The relationship finally came to a head on a holiday to Spain in September for Alan’s birthday.

After an argument on the final night of the holiday, Ben physically attacked Alan, putting his hands round his neck and punching him in the face.

“He pinned me against the wall and started strangling me,” Alan said.

“The only way I could get him off was to push him against the door and just run.

“He followed me, hurling abuse, before punching me on the side of my head. It was during the attack that I realised what he was doing wasn’t acceptable.”

Back in the UK, Alan made the decision to call a domestic-abuse support line – but was shocked by the response he got.

He said: “When I told them what had happened to me they said they couldn’t help because I was a man.

“They gave me another number to call but the service wasn’t open until 9am. I was in shock.”

Alan was eventually told of the Bradford Cyrenians, who are now helping him to get his life back on track.

But just a couple of weeks ago things overwhelmed him and he attempted to take his own life, ending up in hospital.

“It just got too much for me and I couldn’t see another way out,” Alan said.

“But the support from the staff at Bradford Cyrenians is helping me through.

“They don’t judge me and if it hadn’t been for them I don’t think I would be here now.

“They go above and beyond what people expect and they have saved my life.”

Alan said that he made the decision to speak to The Yorkshire Post to raise awareness of domestic abuse and violence towards men.

“My first experience of calling a domestic-abuse helpline shows this is a societal issue that needs to change,” he said.

If it hadn’t been for them, I don’t think I would be here now.

Alan describes the help he has received from Bradford Cyrenians.