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latelife crisis? ‘Preparing for retirement in advance is important,’ says Dr Robinson. ‘Even years in advance, if you can. That means not ignoring the prospect and thinking, “I’ll deal with it when it happens.” It takes years to develop a productive hinterland – a part of your life that is not work that gives regular social contact, structure and engagement. It could be voluntary work, a chess club, an allotment. If you rely solely on your job for social contact, affirmation and structure, then retirement can feel like a form of death.’

‘Men don’t think hard about what they’ll replace work with,’ adds Webber. ‘If this is the case for your husband, ask him – don’t make plans on his behalf. Say, “What are we going to do to stay young and vital?”’ If retirement has been and gone, you can still try the same approach. ‘Listen first and resist the temptation to fix,’ says Bristow. ‘If he won’t talk then say, “This is a new phase in our lives. What would you like to do? What can we do together?” If he has no ideas, he may need reminding what his interests are, what he’s good at, what he used to enjoy,’ she continues. ‘Are there ways of using his expertise in the community? Could he mentor through a professional body? Start a business? Are there joint projects you could pursue together?’

Try to manage your frustration and irritation. ‘Bite your tongue,’ says Bristow. ‘Don’t say, “Are you going to sit in that chair all day long?” Don’t be afraid to have spheres of activity that don’t involve him. Go out with your girlfriends. Go away for the weekend. Keep up with your exercise class. Once men retire, it’s very easy to let your life subsume into his. He doesn’t want to be left alone all day at home, so guilt stops you going out. Then you both become isolated, and negativity and depression take hold.’

Therapy may help your husband grapple with the issues, especially the more esoteric ones involving his own mortality, adds Dr Robinson. ‘Older people still see a stigma around counselling – the stiff upper lip prevails. If your husband is like this, try to help him see that getting help is an expression of strength not weakness. Therapy gives the chance to tell your life story and to make sense of it. Writing it can also help you work through regrets and find meaning.’

Dr Robinson’s research suggests that roughly half of those who suffer a latelife crisis will emerge stronger and more positive. It can teach you to live in the moment instead of ruminating about the past or planning for an uncertain future. ‘When you have limited time ahead, you may learn to invest what you have in the people and activities that matter right now,’ says Dr Robinson. (Perhaps this explains the recent well-publicised study from the University of New South Wales that found that happiness levels rise through our 70s and peak at 80. Similarly, marital satisfaction is highest in our 70s, when companionship can actually prolong life.)

Aged 69 and both retired, Tony and Laura are reaching the end of what Dr Robinson has dubbed the ‘new awkward age’ – and for Tony in particular, it hasn’t been easy.

‘If I’m honest, I wasn’t prepared for the impact of leaving work,’ says Tony, a former engineer. ‘I didn’t particularly miss my job, but I did miss the human interaction, the reason to get up every morning. I had great plans about a book I was going to write, but I found it a very solitary occupation and became dispirited when it didn’t go well. I think I became depressed and no doubt made Laura’s life hell.’

What saved them was a combination of patience, trial, error and joint projects (including joining a local choir together), as well as having their separate spaces. Tony indulged his interest in photography; Laura saw friends and took various voluntary roles. The arrival of their first grandchild has also added immense joy.

‘That lurking sense of things winding down is inescapable,’ says Tony. ‘You start seeing terrible things happen to friends and you think, “When will it be us?” We’re trying to learn from that, to focus on what’s important, and that can be liberating. You realise you don’t need more stuff or more money, and you don’t have the energy to keep in contact with huge numbers of people, so you only see the ones you actually like. Now we only do the things we choose to do and see the people we want to see. In that sense, life is better.’

I didn’t miss my job but I did miss the interaction, the reason to get up in the morning