DEAR ZELDA

Last year we discovered that our daughter had been sexually abused by her 17-year-old cousin when she was 11. She is now 18. She only told us a year ago on the eve of this cousin’s wedding. We have told him we never want to see him again. His parents got involved and defended their son. My mother-in-law accused my daughter of lying and said that I was causing a family feud. My husband of 30 years didn’t stand up to his mother and never has – I have now asked him for a divorce. I am tempted to tell other family members but I am worried it is tearing us all apart and that my mother-in-law will disinherit my daughter. It isn’t the money that bothers me, it’s the lies. A year ago she gave £25,000 to all the other grandchildren but none to ours. My biggest regret was not going straight to the police. I think I just need to leave, no matter how much I love my husband. Child sexual abuse is a terrible crime and, as well as being traumatic at the time, can cause long-term problems for the person who has been abused. The most important thing is to get your daughter some help. Gently talk to her about what happened and how sorry you are that she has been carrying this secret all these years, but you are glad that she has now told you. Also encourage her to have some counselling. Tell her that you would like to report this man to the police and ask her if she would agree to that. It could cause problems within your husband’s family, but this man could be abusing other children. Get in touch with Mosac (mosac.org.uk, 0800 980 1958), which supports parents of abused children. Talk to your husband and explain that you love him and would prefer not to get divorced, but that if he cannot understand your distress and support you in standing up to his mother, you are not sure you can stay in the marriage.

Zelda West-Meads