Am I to blame for his porn addiction?

My husband of 40 years is in his 60s and regularly masturbates. He has used porn in one shape or another throughout our marriage. He resorts to this even if we have made love the day before. It has left me with very low self-esteem. If I try to discuss this with him he gets irate and denies everything, but I have heard him joking to friends about it. He is a good person and a great father. I need to know if he resorts to porn because I am ugly or not good enough. I think he just assumes it’s what men do.

I can understand how upset you feel. This must be extremely difficult for you. However, please don’t blame yourself. It is absolutely not because of your looks or whether you’re good enough. In fact, it probably has very little to do with you. He has simply been doing it for so long it has become a habit and I suspect he would still do this whoever he was married to. If there is a big difference in a couple’s desire to make love, with one person wanting to have sex several times a week and the other person really only wanting sex a couple of times a month, then a man will often masturbate to relieve his frustration. However, as he gets angry when you try to talk about it, this suggests some level of addiction. I think you do need to tackle him about this and explain to him gently, but firmly, that it makes you feel unattractive and undesirable and that you are very unhappy. Explain that you want him to have counselling with you and that if he won’t go, then you will go on your own for support.