She’s cheating on him… should we interfere?

Q

My sister is beside herself with worry. Her daughter is an attractive professional woman in her 20s who met a wonderful young man a year ago. She was so happy and told my sister that ‘he’s the one’. She has introduced him to the whole family and we all adore him. However, not long after they met, a former colleague of hers came back into her life. She never had a proper relationship with him but they used to have casual sex. Now he has apparently told my niece that he loves her and she has started seeing him again. They regularly meet for sex and my niece has told my sister that she cannot stop seeing him, despite knowing that her boyfriend is the better choice. We all feel so sad that the only person who doesn’t know about this is her lovely boyfriend. What do we do? My sister has had so many arguments with her daughter about this but it doesn’t change a thing.

A

Of course your sister is concerned, but she needs to stand back a little and stop worrying so much. This is really her daughter’s problem to solve and she can’t make her behave in the way she wants her to – your niece has to take responsibility for her own actions. Instead of arguing with her, either your sister or you should gently discuss with your niece, if she’ll let you, the problems that this situation will lead to, while staying calm. Apart from it being very unfair on her boyfriend, he will almost certainly discover the affair if it goes on indefinitely – as your niece seems to suggest – and would most likely end the relationship. How does she see the future? Is she planning to marry her boyfriend and have children? Will she still see this man when she is a mother? And what happens if or when her lover meets another woman who is free – which he almost certainly will? Will he then dump your niece? Or will he see two women? It is also possible that this other man is playing her. He might be saying that he loves her so that she will still have sex with him and, if she did leave her boyfriend for him, she might find that he suddenly cools on her. It may be that neither of these men is quite right for her. Perhaps her boyfriend is everything she thinks she wants, but he may just be the ‘safe’ choice and maybe sex is more thrilling with her lover. You or your sister could also tell her that this is putting you both in a very difficult position. As you really like her boyfriend, you need to explain that you cannot keep lying for her for ever if she doesn’t end one of the relationships (or both). And has she ever considered how she would feel if her boyfriend was having an affair?

‘She regularly meets this man for sex… and he says he loves her’