WAS I WRONG TO LOSE MY TEMPER WITH MY FATHER?

My father upset my lovely, sensitive 19-year-old son over Christmas and I was furious with him. Our son has struggled with his mental health and has had to choose a different subject for his degree because he didn’t get the grades for his first choice. However, my father was denigrating and rude about it at Christmas lunch – and said that he’d never get a proper job. My father has been difficult all his life – strict, controlling, arrogant – and I always felt sorry for my mother when she was alive because she was dominated by him. Although he manages mostly alone (with carers a couple of hours a day) he is in his late 80s and becoming increasingly frail. I feel guilty for shouting at him. Since then, he has been polite but a bit distant and says that I should apologise.

It is your father who needs to apologise – though, of course, he won’t. I am glad you found the courage to stand up to him because often this sort of person can cause their children to be subdued and cowed, even as adults. (Your mother was clearly under his thumb, too.) But when your own child’s happiness was threatened by the kind of behaviour you were subjected to, your protective instincts kicked in.

You did the right thing by stopping your father criticising your son, though perhaps in the wrong way – shouting is rarely effective. You don’t need to apologise or feel guilty just because he is old. Of course he still deserves to be cared for, and you can offer that support and kindness. However, he needs to be aware that he should voice any criticisms of your son only to you or keep them to himself. I hope your son is OK.