MOTHER’S THINGS

My father died five years ago, and my mother just six months ago. I was very close to both, but my mother’s death was particularly hard because she was ill for a number of years. My sister and I have put their house on the market and made arrangements for the furnishings, but we are fighting over her clothes and jewellery. My mother had lots of beautiful vintage outfits and costume jewellery, collected from her days working in film and TV, which my sister is keen to sell. However, I can’t bear to let them go – I have such strong memories of her elegantly dressed in the garments. She would even let me borrow them for special occasions. As a drama teacher, I can’t afford to buy similar outfits and I really want to keep them. Wearing them makes me feel closer to my mother and I know she would have wanted this. However, my sister was furious when I went to a recent party in one of Mum’s dresses. She said it reminded her that our mother is not here any more, and that even if I do keep them, she never wants to see me in them. I know she is grieving too, but this just seems mean. I’m not sure what to do.

It is clear you were very close to your mother, and it must be so painful having arguments about her beautiful clothes. I agree with you that it would be difficult to sell them. I really hope

OUR RELATIONSHIPS COUNSELLOR ANSWERS YOUR PROBLEMS

Wearing her beautiful clothes makes me feel closer to her

this is not just your sister thinking about the money they would fetch. To give her the benefit of the doubt, let’s assume it is about grief. People grieve in different ways. She is struggling to accept that she will never see her mother again and is trying to avoid anything that reminds her of this loss. To you it might seem uncaring and unsentimental. I’m guessing that you might look like your mother (perhaps more than your sister does) and so, in her clothes, your strong resemblance provokes more grief. For you, on the other hand, your mother’s much-loved clothes are a way of keeping her close. Try not to get angry or upset about it. Instead, reach out to your sister and say that you understand how difficult it is for her to be around objects that remind her of your mother, but explain that for you it is the opposite – you would feel bereft without her clothes. You might have to agree to keep only half of her outfits and wear them when your sister is not present. Perhaps you could agree to

She is trying to avoid anything that reminds her of this loss

put them in storage, or at a mutual friend’s house, for another six months to see how she feels then. Make sure she can’t sell them without your knowledge, though. In the meantime, you could both benefit from grief counselling. See cruse.org.uk or mariecurie. org.uk. If you cannot agree, you might need to use mediation (familymediationcouncil.org.uk).