I WANT TO DIVORCE MY CHEATING HUSBAND

OUR RELATIONSHIPS COUNSELLOR ANSWERS YOUR PROBLEMS

My husband of 21 years has been having an affair. I’m not sure for how long, but he lost interest in me sexually after I got pregnant and our daughter will be 20 next month. The woman in question has three children

– I don’t know if any of them are my husband’s. When I found out about it I asked for a divorce and told him I wanted a settlement. However, he owns his own company and has told me that over the years his tax payments have been somewhat shady. He said that if I take him to court I’ll lose my half of our house, which is now mortgage-free. I’m also worried that this could have an

Qadverse effect on our daughter, who has applied to join the police. I have always worked and paid my own way, so while I’m not dependent on him that way I can’t afford to lose my share of the house. I’m 59 and could never get a mortgage on my own.

You must be devastated. A Being ignored sexually for 20 years will have deeply damaged your self-esteem. Usually when someone has an affair, the betrayed partner has many questions, such as how long it has been going on, where and when it started – and it is deeply unfair that your husband won’t discuss it. Depending on how old this woman’s children are and whether she has a husband herself, it is unlikely that her children are your husband’s as the affair is probably more recent. Your thoughts may have spiralled towards the worst-case scenario because of the pain you are going through. Unfortunately, you may never know; she may not know herself, so try not to torture yourself with wondering. As for money, your husband might be calling your bluff and is certainly trying to frighten you out of taking action to secure your part of the house. He has already hurt you badly, so be suspicious of his motives. Please check with a lawyer or solicitor – you can find one at lawsociety.org.uk, and get advice from divorce.wikivorce.com. He is also playing on your fears over your daughter’s possible police career, too, but this is a greyer area. The National Police Chiefs’ Council press office says that such issues are dealt with on a case-by-case basis but, in some instances, a parent’s criminal conviction can prevent their child joining the police. However, you cannot be held hostage by your husband’s threats in a marriage

If I make him go to court he says I’ll lose my half of our house

He might be trying to frighten you out of taking action

that is making you so miserable. So, once you have consulted a lawyer, talk to your daughter about this. I would hope that the police would look more favourably on her application if she is open about what might emerge. Meanwhile, get counselling support for yourself (relate.org.uk). Your husband’s behaviour sounds very controlling so also seek advice from womensaid.org.uk.