D E AT H HAS LEFT ME LONELY AND EMPTY

OUR RELATIONSHIPS COUNSELLOR ANSWERS YOUR PROBLEMS

I’m struggling to pick up the strands of my life after my mum’s death. She had dementia and, for the last five years, I was her primary carer, able to get a break on only three days a week to continue with my job while we paid for part-time care from her savings. My siblings, a brother and sister, couldn’t really help because one lives abroad and the other 200 miles away with a husband and family – hence the bulk of the work falling to me. Since her death five months ago I’ve realised that I had gradually given up almost everything to look after her. I was so exhausted by the joint demands of her care

Qand my work that I had very little time or opportunity for socialising so I let friendships slip. I’ve been divorced for 20 years and my last relationship ended five years ago, partly because he said I never had time for him. I don’t have children, by choice, but now I’m thinking that maybe if I had done, I might have someone who I could turn to. I just feel so lonely and empty. I do have two kind friends who’ve tried to encourage me out over the years but I feel as though I am such boring company. I am only 59, but when I look in the mirror and see a frumpy, dowdy, careworn woman, I wonder what happened to me. Where do I start?

I am so sorry to hear this. A Dementia is devastating. I assure you, you are not boring.

You are exhausted, grieving and quite possibly depressed (see your GP just in case). Start with the basics to boost your confidence – a makeover, new hairstyle, nice clothes. Get your own physical health checked out, too; carers often neglect their own health, including things such as dentist and optician appointments. I can hear your social anxiety loud and clear. It may feel very daunting, but agree to go with your two lovely friends to a new group or class, or even just to dinner, so that you get used to interacting with the wider world again. Please also get in touch with your old friends. It often feels difficult when it’s been a while, but imagine if it was the other way round: would you be pleased to hear from a friend you hadn’t spoken to for ages? Of course you would, and so will they. Exercise is also crucial for wellbeing. Could you manage a small dog? It would provide joy, make the house feel a lot less empty – and also

I now realise I’d given up almost everything to care for her

You need to get used to interacting with the world again

take you out of it every day. Please do seek bereavement counselling and support groups: cruse.org.uk, for instance, or mariecurie.org.uk. Once you start to widen your social network you will soon find that there are others like you who share similar experiences and, therefore, a wealth of empathy as well as understanding for what you have been through.