BRIDE WARS

We present both sides of the most con­tro­ver­sial wed­ding topics

You and Your Wedding - - Contents -

Does get­ting mar­ried change your friend­ships?

“WITH MY MAR­RIAGE LI­CENCE SEEMS TO HAVE COME THE AS­SUMP­TION THAT MY LIFE HAS CHANGED”

“NEWS­FLASH: NOT ALL WOMEN SPEND THEIR TIME SEETHING ABOUT HOW OTH­ERS ARE MAR­RIED”

THIS IS­SUE: Does get­ting mar­ried change your friend­ships?

“If you’d told me be­fore I got mar­ried that my friend­ships would change, I would have laughed. Yet, in the months since ty­ing the knot, I’ve no­ticed a shift. Not be­cause I’ve be­come a smug­mar­ried, for­ever re­fer­ring to ‘we’ and greet­ing sin­gle friends’ birth­days with shock and worry that they have yet to meet some­one. No, all that has changed is my mar­i­tal sta­tus – that, and some of my un­mar­ried friends’ re­ac­tions to it. It’s as if I’ve left a club of sin­gle women and lost all the ca­ma­raderie re­in­forced by ev­ery bad date and night out to­gether. With my mar­riage li­cence seems to have come the as­sump­tion that my life has dra­mat­i­cally changed. My hus­band and I are treated like a sym­bi­otic unit, more likely to forego clothes on leav­ing the house than HDFK RWKHU 0RUH EDIÁLQJ are the sug­ges­tions that I no longer have to bother with my ca­reer now I have a hus­band to ‘sup­port me’ (which makes me won­der if some friends know me at all). If you think I’m be­ing overly sen­si­tive, there’s also a What­sapp group that’s ‘strictly for sin­gles’. This might say more about them than it does me or our friend­ships, but it came as a shock. While I don’t like it, I do be­grudg­ingly un­der­stand it. ‘It’s all right for you, you’re mar­ried,’ my sis­ter jokes, when­ever I com­mis­er­ate her over a bad date or an unan­swered text. She has a point. While I like to think I was sin­gle for decades, I met my hus­band at 25. My share of abysmal dates pre-date Tin­der, and no one re­ally wants to hear about them when you’ve mar­ried some­one, and will be tod­dling home to them af­ter two drinks. As much as I hate to ad­mit it, there’s no deny­ing we’re at dif­fer­ent life stages. Once, my friends would be my sole con­sid­er­a­tion. 1RZ , KDYH VRPHRQH HOVH ZKR KDV WR FRPH ÀUVW μ

“Peo­ple say your pri­or­i­ties change when you get mar­ried – but I don’t think I’m a dif­fer­ent SHUVRQ EHFDXVH ,·YH JRW D PDUULDJH FHUWLÀFDWH with my name scrawled mess­ily on it (I’d had a lot of prosecco). I don’t think my friend­ships are any dif­fer­ent be­cause of it, ei­ther. I’ve read count­less ar­ti­cles and blog posts about how sin­gle friends re­sent you when you get mar­ried, and how they strug­gle with the bit­ter envy of see­ing you wed when they’re not. How pa­tro­n­is­ing! 1HZVÁDVK QRW DOO ZRPHQ VSHQG WKHLU WLPH VHHWKLQJ DERXW how oth­ers are mar­ried or in love. Quite frankly (and I think I can speak for them), they’ve got bet­ter things to do! I work to keep my friend­ships the same as they were be­fore I got mar­ried. I value the fact that I have those friend­ships LQ WKH ÀUVW SODFH 0\ PDUULDJH GRHVQ·W IXOÀO HYHU\ VLQJOH one of my needs. It would be crazy – and un­healthy – to imag­ine it could. From petty work dra­mas to grisly true­crime pod­casts and Strictly, I talk about things with my friends that I have no in­ter­est in dis­cussing with my hus­band – and he has no in­ter­est in dis­cussing with me. We talk about our­selves, our anx­i­eties, and our am­bi­tions in ways that only peo­ple that have known each other for nearly 30 years can. I have a truly ex­cel­lent re­la­tion­ship with my hus­band, but my re­la­tion­ships with my friends still rep­re­sent half of what I am. Friend­ships can sur­vive mar­riage, and they don’t have to change one jot. Granted, there may be fewer im­promptu nights out, or house moves, but good friend­ships adapt – and you have plenty more things to talk about when you do get to­gether. Friend­ships that do change would prob­a­bly have dwin­dled RXW DQ\ZD\ ZKHWKHU \RX·YH JRW D ULQJ RQ \RXU ÀQJHU RU QRW μ

NO! LIZZIE POOK, WRITER AND EDI­TOR, SAYS:

YES! AMY LAVELLE, JOUR­NAL­IST, SAYS:

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