Reconnect with a loved one
there’s no doubt about it, having a relative who is suffering from dementia can put a huge strain on your relationship. Whether they struggle to recognise you, conversations go round in circles or they seem generally distressed, it’s sometimes difficult to know the best way in which to respond for everyone’s benefit. But there is hope for your relationship. “Although having this condition commonly changes people’s personalities, there will be character traits, habits or typical gestures which reminds us of the person we used to know, and which will keep our bond with them alive,” says Agnes B Juhasz, author of The Dementia Whisperer: Scenes From The Frontline of Caring. “There’s lots you can do to help your loved one, it just requires some adjustments of your expectations. Dementia doesn’t mean you can’t have enjoyable times together any more, it only means it will happen in a new form.”
Focus on fun
“A common misconception is that people with dementia forget everything,” says Agnes, “and while this may be true about new information such as dates and names, in many cases they have very good memories for past situations.” Instead of focusing on their memory loss, and the inevitable challenges that come with dementia, try concentrating on fun, because there are still many enjoyable moments you can spend together. “The activities you might try depend on your companion’s personality, because of course everyone is different,” says Agnes. “Taking walks, drawing, listening to music, doing crosswords together, watching detective stories on TV, looking at old family photos, gardening or reading can all work well. And one rather strange tip is that all films and news about the Royal family or any David Attenborough documentary nearly always capture the attention of people with dementia – it hardly ever fails!”
Short and sweet
We often feel guilty about not spending long enough during visits to relatives with dementia, but we shouldn’t. “You don’t necessarily need to spend long when visiting – they’ll just be pleased to see you in the first place,” says Agnes. “They will find it more difficult to register lots of new information, and they may find it difficult to stay focused
‘Films or news about the Royal family always capture the attention’
for long, so short, frequent visits may be preferable. If you feel that staying longer would help them, try to keep conversations very simple. Also try to read their body language – they might say that they aren’t tired, but if they begin to yawn, turn their head away while you’re speaking or even doze off, it might be time to say goodbye.”
Try to remain positive
It can be heart-breaking when a loved one forgets who you are, but the best advice (as tricky as it may be) is not to take it personally – and the same goes for any unusual behaviour. “Initially aggressive or unpleasant behaviour can be difficult to take,” says Agnes, “but the more you learn about dementia, the better you’ll understand that it has nothing to do with you.” It’s best to try to change your mindset about the situation and the way you react to it, but your loved one isn’t able to change their behaviour. “The key to a well-balanced relationship is in your hands as the care-giver,” says Agnes.
Go with the flow
It’s not uncommon for dementia sufferers to call out or look for people in their lives who have passed away. “This usually means they have a need which they can’t express in words,” says Agnes. “I had a client who looked for her husband who had passed away, and wanted to go outside in the cold to find him. In this case, trying to reason with her was not the answer. I suggested she wrap up warm, as I realised letting her go out was the only way to demonstrate that she was free to do whatever she wanted. “I knew she wouldn’t get far, and, as expected, she calmed down in seconds and after a few steps (I was watching her closely, of course) I went to her and asked if she’d like a nice cup of tea inside. ‘I would love that,’ she replied, and in a few minutes we were sitting comfortably and calmly again.”