Sharing the CARING
Our Reader Care Editor Rosie Sandall is here with compassion, support and advice for carers
‘How do I say I want to be alone?’
Q Christmas is coming and, once again, my family is trying to persuade me to spend it with them. Maybe I’m odd, but I would much rather be on my own at Christmas than navigate all the stresses of family relationships.
My husband, Jimmy, died just before last Christmas and I did spend the festive season with my family but I found it very noisy and stressful. How do I tell them that I want to be alone?
Name and address withheld
Rosie says: First of all, let me reassure you that you are not unusual in wanting to be alone at Christmas! Your question is one I’m asked every year without fail.
From my many years of experience of writing about bereavement, I know that people who have recently lost a loved one often find it hard to play ‘happy families’ at Christmas time. Some people whose partners have died welcome being part of a big family celebration, others prefer to be alone.
There is no right or wrong to this question. My suggestion is that you raise the issue before it gets too near to Christmas to change plans. I know some people who prefer to be alone who compromise by having a family get together sometime around Christmas.
You could suggest meeting in a pub for a festive lunch (everyone pays their own way and no one has to cook!) If you can’t get out easily, invite some family members round for a festive drink and a mince pie or suggest they bring some buffet food.
I’m sure your family will probably be surprised that you’d rather be at home at
Christmas but explain to them that you love spending time with them, it’s just that Christmas holds precious memories and that you’d rather be on your own.
Christmas is an emotional time of the year. We all have memories of happy times we shared with people who have now died and sometimes it’s nice to relive those memories alone.
Please don’t feel guilty about wanting to be on your own home at Christmas. I suggest you try to see your family before or after Christmas then get some special treats, put your feet up and watch what YOU want to on the TV!