Mother takes pleasure in catfishing
DEAR CAROLYN: My mother has gotten very good at getting information and causing trouble with people through social media. She has found which husband would cheat. She has found which teenage son or daughter uses drugs or has homosexual tendencies, by opening accounts and passing as a teenager, vixen, housewife, successful business owner, and even a teenage girl who started rumors about a boy’s sexuality. She went as far as passing herself off as a male baseball fan to become good friends (on social media) with my brother’s best friend so she could find out if they were in a sexual relationship. She has asked some of her friends to call my husband to flirt with him to see if he is faithful.
We had an argument about her getting involved in people’s lives. And she said, “Please, don’t start trying to be more moral or kind than everyone else.” Then she said, “You wouldn’t want someone to start a rumor about your son using drugs or having serious psychological problems.”
I’ve tried to warn some friends and family of this, but everyone dismisses it or says it’s their fault for letting someone inf luence them on social media. Should I take it lightly?
— Spy or Just Evil DEAR SPY: Your mother is a shockingly terrible person.
I’m sure there are ways for me to hedge this opinion or present it to you gently, but by your account, your mother stands naked and unapologetic in her evil, so the only thing that feels appropriate is to call it out in kind.
As her child, your position here is complicated at best. Depending on when she got this way and how it affected you, therapy might be useful.
But there is no place for taking anything lightly. Your primary choice is whether, with certainty in hand (I assume) of your mother’s evil, you have anything to do with her ever again. Isolation is the just dessert of anyone who takes pleasure in causing pain.
If her exploits represent a recent and uncharacteristic turn for the nasty, then you can pursue this as a conversation about her deteriorating mental health and ways you can get her the help she needs. But if her position all along has been that everyone is hateful, vicious trash and therefore anyone attempting to be moral or kind is a poseur worthy of her scorn, then you — all of you — are long overdue to attach consequences to her little hobby of wrecking lives for sport.
DEAR CAROLYN: A few years ago, my husband and I met a couple at a local festival. We see them a few times each month for dinner outings. For the last four months now, every time we see them, the wife mentions her upcoming milestone birthday and their wedding anniversary. She wants to celebrate both with a river cruise in Europe, but they will only go on the trip if we also commit to going with them. We would have to pay for our share.
She has become increasingly insistent. We do not want to travel with them and feel they should celebrate these milestones on their own. We have tried to politely def lect and indirectly decline each time, but we are at a loss. How do you suggest we make her realize this?
— Tired of Def lecting DEAR TIRED: Please, just say no. Decline directly. There is no courtesy as generous as a straight answer: “Thank you for the invitation, but we’re going to pass on the trip.” Ahhh. “We know how much this means to you,” obviously, “so we’d love to celebrate with you some other way.”