Should he avoid dating single moms?
DEAR CAROLYN: Is it advisable for a never-married man with no kids to get involved with a single mother? I know it’s never a good idea to generalize, but the answer I hear most often is an emphatic no, for many reasons. The main one is the man will always be a lower priority than the woman’s children, and there’s also potential drama with the woman’s ex. There is also the asymmetry in life experiences of a single mother and a nevermarried man with no kids.
— Dating DEAR DATING: I advise your own advice: “It’s never a good idea to generalize.”
(1) Millions of children live with their biological mother and a stepfather. Do you really think they’re an “emphatic” 0-for-millions on happiness ever after?
(2) Couples who have children, however they get there, always accept some responsibility for making that child a higher priority — than themselves, much less a partner. A minor child’s last line of defense in the world is the adult guardian. Sometimes the circumstances and the child’s needs dictate that Mom overrules Dad, Dad overrules Mom, spouse overrules spouse, or one or both parents overrule their own needs. Should you become a stepfather, you might have to prioritize your stepchild’s needs over the mother’s/your wife’s. That’s parenthood.
If your goal is to be somebody’s undisputed No. 1, then that’s valid — but then, don’t be a parent, step- or otherwise.
(3) “Amicable” and “split” do sometimes agree to be seen together in the same sentence. Some exes also are mature enough or drama-averse enough to be co-parents without dysfunction.
(4) Asymmetry happens. Do you love the mom? Do you want to be a parent to her kids? Are you honorable? Are you humble enough to admit what you don’t know (and cough give up certainties and generalizations), invested enough to learn, and flexible enough to withstand jagged ups and downs without losing your nerve? Mind? OK then.
Please know, I have zero interest in talking anyone into being a parent or stepparent. It has to be what you want, fully and freely.
But that’s why it’s so important for you to think it through carefully, and choose. What you “hear” only counts if you’re just looking for an out.
DEAR CAROLYN: Whenever I am quiet or thinking or distracted or frustrated, my wife asks if I’m mad at her. If I say no — well, I’m not — it might become, “Why are you mad?” or, “I feel like you’re mad at me.”
I feel trapped in a no-win situation. Yes, I’ve told her that.
She says she knows I’m not mad but it’s almost reflexive. Her first husband was angry All The Time and quite controlling.
We’ve been together five years; I feel this isn’t going to abate with time and I really don’t know how to answer her. — Don’t Know How to Respond
DEAR DON’T KNOW: Ihopeshe will consider therapy to retrain those ref lexes. She escaped the controlling marriage, yay for her, but some ghosts came with her. Good cognitive behavioral therapy might help her spot them sooner and shoo them away.
Do recommend it to her, but choose a moment with some pleasant distance from your last, “Why are you mad?”/”i’m not mad” dance. Then say you feel bad that she has these ref lexive doubts and encourage her to dismantle them.