Countdown to ending boot camp resolution
not a big fan of all the newyear-new-you headlines that pop up everywhere at the beginning of January. For one thing, they lack originality, and for another they’re a reminder I’m supposed to use this time to stop doing something or start doing something or change something because if I don’t I’ll be miserable, unfulfilled, or dead. If I’d made and stuck to a resolution every year, by now I’d be happy, fulfilled and still alive. Oh, and perfect. (This is where you interject and say that you thought I was perfect. Go ahead — I’ll wait.)
The main reason I don’t like resolutions is because most of them fail faster than you can say, ‘Oh no, my Dunkin’ Donuts reward points are about to expire,” and even faster now that they’ve rebranded themselves to just Dunkin’. If I’m going to make a resolution, I try to make one with a high likelihood of success, like eating chocolate every day, or getting older.
Even though I exercise regularly (OK, maybe I don’t always exercise restraint, which is why “adding more elastic to my life” should be one of my resolutions), none of my resolutions have ever involved exercise. That was before my friend, Sheila, who up to that point had seemed like a perfectly rational person, suggested I try boot camp. And for some perfectly irrational reason, I thought that sounded like a good idea. Although, in my defense, there may have been alcohol involved. What am I saying? We were at book club. Of course there was alcohol involved.
I’ve participated in a number of boot camps over the years, so I should have known better. There’s a well-known saying that goes, “Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to keep signing up for boot camp.” But it had been a long time since I’d last enlisted, so although I knew it was a painful experience, the details were fuzzy enough that I decided
to try it again. Sort of like childbirth. This time around with boot camp, though, I was older, heavier and less fit. It sounded like a recipe for success.
I don’t know what marketing genius decided to name early morning workouts after the rigorous training camps endured by military recruits, but it’s obviously worked because plenty of women sign up for boot camp. And, although there were lots of tears as well as a call to my mother begging to come home, an exercise boot camp should in no way be confused with a military boot camp. Which means you can all breathe easier knowing our nation’s defense and international peacekeeping do not rest on the shoulders of your typical boot camper. From what I’ve seen, we’d have a hard time restoring order if a fight broke out on Disney’s “It’s A Small World” ride.
The week before New Year’s, I signed up for the free, 14-day trial because the price seemed right. I was pretty proud of myself for not waiting until the last minute and was tempted to make “stop procrastinating” one of my resolutions, but I never got around to it. I wondered if the price was too high when I went to the first session and found out it was a 1,000 rep challenge. There are not many things I want to do 1,000 of, unless, maybe, sleep for 1,000 uninterrupted minutes. Although I just did the math, and even that sounds excessive.
I needed to find a way to know what the workouts would be ahead of time so I could come up with a convenient excuse — like a sudden case of bone spurs — if I didn’t want to go. That’s when Sheila showed me how to use an app to find out what the workouts would be for the upcoming week. The next one was called “burst training with chipper finisher.” I had no idea what that would involve and spent the whole night worrying about it. Too bad I didn’t make “living in a constant state of fear and foreboding” one of my resolutions. After the workout, I still wasn’t sure what it meant, unless it was that feeling of being run through a wood chipper.
It hasn’t all been bad. On the plus side, my calorie intake is down. But that’s mostly due to the fact that I’m falling asleep during breakfast. I hope it’s not too late to make a resolution to be tired and sore — at least for the next 14 days. I’m pretty sure that’s a resolution I can keep.