Single and unhappy in quarantine

I am in my late 20s, single and generally extroverted. Before the quarantine I had a full life — I often went dancing, hiking, paddleboarding and kayaking. I regularly went to exercise classes, volunteered and checked out new museum exhibits. I spent a lot of time with friends and gave myself alone time when I needed it. But I was always kind of bummed that I was single. I got out of a long relationship three years ago and haven’t met anyone significant since, despite online dating, blind dates and “putting myself out there.” The quarantine has really intensified this sadness.

I’m working on accepting my feelings and drowning out messaging that I must not love myself enough to be happy alone. I do love myself! I think I’m great, actually! It would just be nice to love someone else romantically — and have it reciprocated.

I know there’s nothing much I can do now, but what about when we all reenter society? Is there a way to make myself fully happy with my single life? Is there another way to prioritize meeting someone? Do I just have to resign myself to oscillating between a little bummed out and super-sad, maybe forever?

I’ve been to therapy, and there’s nothing glaringly wrong with me, but I wish there was something I could’ve fixed so I’d now be safe/stuck at home with a (maybe grumpy) partner instead of my grumpy roommates.

— Single and Stuck

A wise friend reminded me recently, as I was chafing at home and grieving a lost whatever, that it’s our pain that teaches us, not our contentment.

The pandemic is teaching all of us — all who will listen — that any say in our lives is never complete.

And therefore, if we want to be “fully happy” — with single life or anything else — then we need to recognize that dancing, hiking, paddleboarding, kayaking, exercise classes, volunteering, museum exhibits, friend time, alone time, dating, putting ourselves out there, therapy and even having a partner, are all wonderful things with significant value (at this writing, I miss about nine of these to the point of tears), but they’re also external. So they’re impermanent, ever subject to change.

We could talk plenty about the concept of “fully happy,” too, but that’s on the outcome side. I think the education worth pushing yourself toward now is on the input side, where you learn to focus not on the next thing — the mate, the “something” to “fix” — but on the idea that you are your next thing. Always and only.

I won’t minimize meaningful, enduring love, or its place in a well-lived life.

But marriage is just one potential source of that.

Meanwhile, spouses (or partners) also change, disappoint, grow stale, cheat, leave, bow to addictions, die too soon — not always, but enough that your most valuable ally before, during and after is still you.

And the quality of that trust in yourself will influence the quality of every bond you form with others.

You graze this idea with “love myself enough to be happy,” but even that has a surface element to it — implying you need a certain yay-me spirit about yourself. Not so. (Though it, too, is wonderful to have.)

I’m talking about a baseline acceptance that you’re what you’ve got, and everything else — everything — is not only unpredictable, but also optional.

It’s a paradigm shift, a hard one. It also doesn’t shield you from pain when things go badly or don’t come true. But it can break you of the life-consuming habit of thinking X will be great if only Y. Instead, there is only this, only today, only you. Scary, but also as freeing as you let it be.