Daughter-in-law obsessed with phone

DEAR CAROLYN: Our daughterin-law is 36 and lives in our town. She is always completely engrossed in her smartphone. During visits with her and when we drive her somewhere — she doesn’t drive — she toys with the phone to the detriment of any other conversations with adults. When we visit, we notice that she pays more attention to her phone than her 2-year-old.

We asked our son to talk to her about it, but nothing has changed. What is a good polite — or even impolite — way to tell her to put down the phone and pay attention to the world around her?

—Ignored DEAR IGNORED: You don’t like your daughter-in-law.

I am completely sympathetic. It’s so hard to have a phonezombie around; it’s so hard to have a resentment-trigger around; it’s excruciating to be around while a parent ignores a child. Nothing I say hereafter takes away even a grain of your warranted dismay.

But you need to let this go. Because you can’t control the actions of a grown woman whose only crime is being a twit.

Instead, the other adults will have to pay attention to the poor child. The other adults will have to carry the conversation. The other adults will have to set boundaries where they have standing to — for example, to enforce a no-phones-at-thetable policy at meals they host.

And the other adults will have to work hard to manage their expectations of this digital hostage to avoid a destructive righteousness-resentment-shunning cycle that does more damage than any phone overuse could.

These are all remedies at the edges, obviously, but since they’re available to you, use them. Two remedies closer to the center are possible,, but they require emotional self-discipline: Support your son more in his choice of mate, and embrace your daughter-in-law more.

I can’t know what sent her down this path of passive estrangement from the rest of you. Maybe she’s vulnerable to the pull of devices; maybe she has just always been a twit. Maybe, too, you and your family were such twits to her when your son first brought her home that she learned to withdraw as a coping strategy when you’re around.

But I do know that treating her as a problem and pressing your son to do the same is not the way to make "the world around her" seem like a welcoming place. People go where they feel welcome.

Can you make her feel welcome? If not, then, fair enough. Your differences might not allow it. But if they do, then please consider: Embracing can fix what correcting rarely will.

DEAR CAROLYN: My friend has been dating a man for over a year but because of the pandemic I just met him. I was shocked that he is at least six inches shorter than her. When we talked afterward and she asked me what I think, I told her how surprising it was, given that in the past she has mentioned only being interested in taller men.

She was very upset I said this. I don’t understand why I’m not allowed to answer honestly when asked what I think about him. I’m stating facts. He is a lot shorter than her, she never mentioned that fact or posted social media pics that would show it in the year they’ve dated, and she has previously said she doesn’t like short men. Was I really that wrong to say anything?

—Friend DEAR FRIEND: I will defend your freedom to make pointless, tactless gotcha comments about the blindingly obvious, but, no, you don’t get a pass on the consequences. She asked you what you thought of her new love and all you had was, "He’s short."

If you don’t see why you owe her an apology, then at least do better when the new friends you’ll need to start making ask you to weigh in on their emotional lives. If you have nothing insightful, try kind.