Behind every complaint is a hidden wish

We are four weeks into the new year. So let’s check in on your New Year’s resolutions: How are you doing with exercising more, eating less, and no screens after 9 p.m.? Not so much? That’s OK.

One resolution I considered last year was, “Complain less.” But that was before all hell broke loose. Then it seemed like the news was just one long complaint.

So, I learned that I can’t promise, “No more complaints,” but I wanted to try. Still, it turned out to be very hard. But just trying was enough to raise my awareness of how much I do complain. Then, last week a friend shared this bit of wisdom: “Behind every complaint is a wish.” That got my attention. When I’m complaining, I’m really wishing for something to be different.

Try it: What is the last thing you complained about, and what was really underneath that? You complained about the traffic? Because you wanted to get home to family. Waiting in line? Because you want to be on time. Your partner eats terrible food? Because you love her and want her to live longer. There’s nothing good on TV? No, forget that; these are the best TV years we have ever seen. But you get the idea.

So could I do it? I love a challenge and I believe in taking baby steps. So, I tried again, and gave myself the challenge of just one week with no complaints—or at least understanding what I really want. That meant I’d complain less and learn something about myself.

I became curious about my patterns: When do I complain? About what? And to whom? Could I catch myself ? This was a fast track to consciousness raising. So, now when I notice myself complaining, I ask, “What am I truly hoping for here?” And, “Is there another way to get what I really want?”