Husband not willing to hear her vent

DEAR CAROLYN: How much — if at all — can we ask our spouse to be supportive and empathic when it comes to bad days at work? Two years ago, I made a career change to a new position that has provided significant financial support and stability to me and my husband. The pay and benefits are wonderful, and I remain thankful I lucked into this opportunity.

However, the workload can be overwhelming. Some time into my new position, my husband asked that I end my habit of sharing the workday’s problems and frustrations with him, as listening to my stream of negativity was tiresome and offputting. I understood his position and I stopped talking about work except when sharing something positive or optimistic. To be fair, he doesn’t complain about his job to me.

Recently I had an exceptionally rough day and ended up venting when I got home. I didn’t mean to uncork and dump on him; I was upset and it just kinda happened. My husband became aggravated and again asked I not complain about work. I was hurt because on a day I needed empathy and support, I was instead made to feel like a villain.

I know there is a point to be made about finding a different job (I’m considering it). But is it unreasonable to have an expectation that a spouse be ready and willing to provide some form of comfort and support on those extra hard days?

—- Bottled Up DEAR BOTTLED UP: That’s a "before" question — one to ask before you over-dumped on your husband and wore him down until he insisted on a draconian agreement you would not dump any more work stress on him ever. You need "after" questions. Such as: "So, er, no exceptions?"

"How about a time limit — five minutes, on my worst days?"

"I really overdid it back then, didn’t I?"

I’m partial to the last one. Because maybe your husband is particularly unsympathetic, sure. And maybe that’s particularly rich if he’s enjoying the extra money but won’t share the emotional work. But I suspect he has a point, based on your description and your "It all just fell out of my mouth!" defense. I suspect he absorbed enough of your stress pre-agreement to go through all five stages of secondhand negativity: concern, sympathetic stress, bored stupefaction, desperation, bargaining for silence.

I know I’m not being nice. But this career change doesn’t sound like a mutual decision so much as your idea of what you both needed — and if so, then your husband might be ready for a family pay cut if it means getting you back and living in peace.

So I urge you to ask for sympathy by first expressing some. "I chose this, you didn’t, and I dumped so much of it on you I’m sorry I pushed you to the point of reacting on reflex. I’m also sorry I slipped."

Then: "I do hope I get some leeway, though. I am not perfect."

Then: "But even more, I hope you can help me figure out how to decompress. If you agree we’re both living better for the extra money, then I’d say we both have a role in absorbing the extra stress."

DEAR CAROLYN: I’m that friend who isn’t comfortable sharing information with others. It’s nothing personal. The only person I share my emotions with is my husband. I have a friend who wants me to share my traumatic life experiences and deepest thoughts. She feels like she shares hers with me and expects the same back. But I don’t have any traumatic life experiences. I do share other things with her, but not as deep as she wants them to be. How do I tell this to my friend, who feels like I have a problem with not sharing?

— That Friend DEAR THAT FRIEND: You don’t share, you can agree on that — but she is the one who has a problem with it, not you.

You can tell her this plainly. But it’s hard to persuade someone who’s projecting: She has decided you are the obstacle to the friendship she wants. If she’s not ready to blame her own unrealistic expectations — i.e., that you become someone you’re not and share traumas you haven’t had — then how you say it is moot. Still: You’ve told the entire relevant truth in your letter while giving absolutely nothing of substance away. Maybe just show it to her?