Father shows his love through coddling
DEAR CAROLYN: Before I say anything else, I want to say my parents are wonderful and I’m lucky to have them both be so loving and involved with my life and always willing to step up and help me.
I’m 28, and I lived at home until I was 26. My parents and I are super close. My mom and I have a more adult relationship, but I feel like my dad still sees me as a little kid. He messages me every night reminding me to take my pills and brush my teeth. He sometimes lets himself into my house and leaves fruit or veggies in my fridge, scoops the cat litter box, or does my yard work. He’ll show up at my job and take my car to get some gas, and I only know he did it because poof! My car is magically full of gas.
These are obviously acts of service and how he expresses his love. I’ve told him he doesn’t have to and his reply is always, “I just want to help you as much as I can.” When I lived at home, it wasn’t that weird, but now that I live 40 minutes away . . . it feels very weird.
Is there any way I can get him to back off while still making it clear I love him very, very much?
—- Dad’s Not-So-Little Girl DEAR DAD’S NOT-SO-LITTLE GIRL: I have many thoughts on this, mostly supportive, but I won’t keep them straight till I say this:
If you share a home with other adults, then he cannot let himself in without their granting him access. Hard no. Doesn’t matter if he’s leaving fresh fruit or wads of cash.
Now the thoughts. Three people have a say — dad, you, fiance — involving three concepts: intent, consent, transparency.
With your dad, intent matters. Such intrusive caregiving can be an exercise of love or control, or a combination of both. If you identify any signs of control, then put a stop to his coddling for your own emotional health. Under the guidance of a therapist, if needed.
If his intent is benign, in your estimation — meaning, you feel fully in charge of your own life, and your dad merely adds an eccentric but loving touch — then check your own intent. Are you trying to “get him to back off ” because you want that, or because you think your fiance (or society) expects that?
If you’re confident it’s your own voice you’re responding to, and you welcome the doting within reason, then it becomes a matter of consent. Which are okay with you, and which go too far? Weigh how you feel about each of your dad’s interventions and why, and then give or revoke your consent for them accordingly.
Revoked consent means none of this “Gee, Dad, you don’t have to” stuff. It’s, “I love you, Dad, very much. However, I am not comfortable with X and Y, so it’s time to stop.” It’s backing that up by reclaiming car keys, or muting your phone at night, or changing your locks, if it comes to that.
Once you sort out your consent, full transparency with your fiance comes next. Then, it’s his turn to decide. It’s not just whether he’s okay with your being babied at 28, 36, 47 — it’s whether your fiance loves this about you and your family. Because this is you.
Your fiance either signs on for all of you, or, for everyone’s sake, he needs to rethink signing on at all. However he settles it in his mind, he then needs to be transparent with you.
There are many fine ways to go into a marriage, but assuming things will get easier or less annoying is not one of them. Good luck.