Grieving amid holidays is hard. Hospice can help
The holidays can be challenging, more so for those dealing with the loss of a loved one. Whether it is a recent loss or one that occurred some time ago, feelings of grief can be overwhelming during the season.
How each person processes the symptoms of loss can vary greatly, and how and when those feelings surface will differ. Reactions vary too: Some may choose to crawl into a corner for the day; others may force themselves to put on a brave face and participate in activities.
The Community Hospice, in addition to palliative care and other services, offers free grief counseling, typically in the first year after loss.
“We have lots of experience dealing with death and grieving,” said Angela Yu, manager of marketing and communications, continuing care at St. Peter’s Health Partners. She said the Hospice has also developed Holiday Hope videos on how to cope. They are posted on Facebook.
Ciara Diemer is manager of bereavement services at the organization and is knowledgeable about the difficulties this time of year present to those grieving.
“Holidays magnify grief. It is a time of gathering. The (dead) person is so missed and there is a hollow feeling,” Diemer said. “Make a plan as best as you can and communicate it to the people (with whom you may be getting together).”
She suggested allowing some restful time. Eat healthy, exercise, weave in memories of the loved one during the holidays, she said.
Sometimes it is good to keep up a routine and do things with family and friends as in the past, says Stacy Lauver, another Hospice bereavement counselor, in one of the Holiday Hope videos, “but sometimes the grieving persons are not up to it and feel disconnected. Holiday music can be painful. Pulling out decorations may have memories tied to them. Grief is our love for the dead person with nowhere to go.”
Lauver suggests they
get outside when overwhelmed: “Nature can ground us, center us and help regulate the nervous system.” She suggests they use their five senses to experience the outdoors.
Dealing with death, but life, too
Leo Rosaro is a chaplain at Hospice. “When I joined Hospice almost 11 years ago, the question during my interview was ‘How do you describe hospice in a word?’ I asked for two words and said: ‘privilege’ and ‘blessing.’”
“The fire burning in my heart, I could feel it. I am dealing with death, sometimes three in one day. My friends say that must be so depressing. I feel I am dealing not only with death but also with life,” he said.
“One of the moments is when I am alone with the patient who is actively dying, holding his hand, waiting for the family to arrive. It is reassuring for the patient to not be alone and a moment of grace for me.”
Also significant in his ministry is music. “I have patients’ favorites on my phone. The most requested is ‘Amazing Grace.’ ” He recalled there was a woman he visited who stayed motionless. “I played Jingle Bells to her, and she lit up and tried to sing along. Another woman loved Frank Sinatra. I played ‘New York, New York’ to her and she hummed along.”
He served as a Catholic priest in New York City for 12 years. But as a
chaplain, Rosaro said he is open to everybody, all cultures and all faiths. “And sometimes, we don’t talk, just sit quietly. People appreciate that too.”
During the holidays, nursing homes are decorated. “The residents love to talk about the holidays. Families decorate their moms’ and dads’ rooms. We encourage that. Some (residents) remember how they celebrated holidays at home with families.”
He was the presenting chaplain at a memorial service earlier this year at Eddy Village Green in Cohoes. Because of the COVID lockdown, the memorial was held in summer after more than three years. It was a packed room with more than 150 relatives and friends attending.
“Families came to celebrate life. It was amazing,” said the chaplain.
“A few traditions you may choose to stay with or you may create new ones,” Diemer said. Some people may choose to cook or bake as may have been the tradition in their families. Others may donate items, others may find it helpful to decorate the grave of the one who has died. Still others may choose to celebrate the same way as if the person were with you. “Whatever provides comfort is fine,” said Diemer. “If you wear mom’s perfume or dad’s ring, it feels cozy.”
It is OK to let joy in, she said. “Don’t feel guilty if you feel happy. If there is joy, leave an open door for it.”