What makes parents annoying, even to their adult children?

Adapted from an online discussion. Dear Carolyn: My sister and I recently pondered whether all kids think their moms are annoying. Of course, there are few universal truths, but we both find ourselves highly annoyed by our mother most of the time. Anecdotally, my husband finds his mother annoying perhaps 35 to 40 percent of the time. My sister’s teenagers find her annoying most of the time, but they are teens, so who knows how that will play out.

Is this destiny? What makes parents so annoying, even to their middle-aged children? Criticism and unsolicited advice? Pointing out every store and sign you pass as you drive down the road? Ignoring cues and asking highly personal questions when no one is in the mood for sharing? Swallowing weird?

My kid is only 3, and I need some hope I can maybe break the cycle.

Annoyed by Mom Dear Annoyed By Mom: Criticism and unsolicited advice? Yes.

Pointing out every store and sign you pass? Yessss.

Ignoring cues and asking highly personal questions? Yep. Swallowing weird? Yes.

I am not helping, am I?

But I think parents can preempt or mitigate a lot of this if they:

1. Avail themselves of every age-appropriate opportunity to back off and let their kids be themselves. Few annoyances are as annoying as being parented against one’s will. So many messages in that: “I know better,” “You need fixing,” “Who you are matters less to me than who I think you should be.”

2. Keep their anxiety behaviors to themselves. That’s what the sign-reading is, after all — the equivalent of announcing to everyone in the car, “I AM MASSIVELY

STRESSED IN YOUR PRESENCE RIGHT NOW.” It is both the chicken and the egg of feeling like everything you say to your kids is the wrong thing.

3. Learn not to feel or act hurt that your kids find you annoying. It’s more positional than personal anyway, so treat it that way toward becoming less reactive. Emotionally reactive people are harder to be around in general.

3a. Learn to laugh at yourself, and admit when you’re wrong. It’s the closest we’ve got to magic.

Carolyn Hax

Other readers’ thoughts:

- I am a mom; I can be annoying. One thing I’ve worked on in therapy is not making my own emotional stuff my daughter’s problem. My mom was anxious, judgy, cranky, critical, snappy, pushy, ANNOYING, largely because she felt like she never got to be her own self. If I heal myself and allow space to still be a fully realized human instead of a self-sacrificing mom-bot, I’m much more enjoyable.

- Not to get too dark, but I consider my mom mean, hurtful and selfish. If my kids think I’m kind of annoying, I’ll take the win.

I think part of the recipe for annoyance is having to spend time with them, as opposed to choosing to. If you build a relationship where they are allowed to say no or have other plans, then there’s a limit to how much you can annoy them.

- They say no one can push your buttons like your parents because they installed them!