What to tell a child when her dad hated being a parent?

Adapted from an online discussion.

Dear Carolyn: My husband and I have a daughter, 4, and are in the process of a divorce. I would never, ever want her to think the divorce is her fault, but her existence is the reason for it. Shortly after her birth — it had been an accidental pregnancy — my husband decided he hated parenting. Eventually, I could no longer stomach living with someone who was miserable all the time and hated being around his family.

My current script is, “Families look all kinds of ways, and right now our family won’t live in the same house,” but when she’s older, she’ll want to know why. I don’t know what to say when the reasons are exactly what she might fear. A vague, “Your dad and I just didn’t live well together”?

Parent

Dear Parent: Her existence isn’t the reason for the divorce, though! His falling short is the reason. One hundred percent, it’s his inability or unwillingness to own and adapt to the circumstances he created.

Millions of parents wake up to a screaming baby and say, “Holy [unprintable], what have I done” - maybe possibly more than once! - yet they go on to be excellent parents.

Or they go on to be merely adequate parents, which is fine. They find a way to get whatever help they need (depression and overwhelm happen to dads, too), then freaking show up and find their smile for the child. Accidental child or planned child, because once the child is born, that reasoning no longer counts.

Side note about depression: If it’s possible your husband is depressed, and that’s why he shut down on parenting, then please encourage him to seek evaluation and treatment. Small kids can be way harder than people expect, with physical consequences to that struggle.

Anyway. The answer to your question, at long last: You tell your daughter whatever version of the truth you want to tell that blocks the doors to her thinking it’s about her or that you’ll leave her, too (doors that kids are very creative about finding). You and he wanted different things from life. You were too different as people. You grew apart. All are about you and her dad as spouses, none about Mom and her girl. Say this.

Readers’ thoughts:

- It is not a lie to eventually tell your daughter that you and your ex had different priorities, and those choices made living together and raising a child together an impossibility.

- Your daughter will figure out over time why you and your husband divorced. In the meantime, focus on helping her develop skills to cope, like selfacceptance, resilience, understanding other viewpoints. Obviously, break these down into tiny bite-size pieces in her younger years. He left because he couldn’t cope, but kids often over-personalize things in their lives.

- My husband’s parents divorced when he was about that age. His dad cheated on his mom. My mother-in-law never wanted to bad-mouth his dad, so my husband did what kids do: He drew his own conclusions and decided his father didn’t like kids. Be sure to tell her SOMETHING; otherwise (especially if her relationship with her dad is strained), she may come to the conclusion independently that it’s her fault.