ON LETTING GO: A Mother’s Day duet
A daughter shares advice with her mom — and other anxious parents
Editor’s note: In this essay, an Albuquerque area mother and daughter exchange the advice they would give other moms about letting go.
On a drizzly day in January, I delivered my 17-year-old daughter, Daisy, to an art school in California, where she would spend spring semester of her junior year away from home. Parents of her peers told me I was crazy. Why
Daisy
Don’t worry. We know that you love us and care for us, just as we love and care for you. If you’re anxious, then we will be anxious, too. Growing up means that we’re ready to take over responsibility for ourselves, so that you don’t have to.
Call us (but not too, too often). We want to catch up on what we’re missing back home. But if you call us every night, we won’t get the chance to settle into our new environment. It’s good to hear from you, because even if we don’t want to admit it, we miss you, and it’s always nice to hear your voice.
Don’t cry when it’s time to say goodbyes. It makes us feel guilty for leaving you, and it makes us worry for you. We’ll see each other soon enough, so don’t feel bad. We know that you’re going to miss us (and we’ll miss you, too) but it’s not forever.
Trust us. We have to learn how to take care of ourselves and this is the first step. Have faith in our ability to learn and grow.
Relax. Now you finally have your chance to take some time for yourself. And before you know it, we’ll see each other again. would I let go of her earlier than I had to? Wasn’t the thought of sending her away to college next year bad enough?
The truth is, I did question my sanity for letting her go. Our small family would feel incomplete without her. The closer we got to her day of departure, the more anxious I felt. On the one-hour drive from Oakland to Daisy’s school, I stressed that I wanted her to text me and her dad frequently to let us know how it was going. “I will, Mom,” she said, resigned to our need to hold on.
At the parent meeting before we were to leave our kids behind, the director of the art school made an impassioned plea: “Please don’t call or text your child every day. Don’t take it personally when they can’t talk — we keep them busy! Don’t create drama, make them cry or feel homesick. Just walk away. Let them go. Trust that they will thrive.”
As he said this, I felt the tears rise. I felt he was talking directly to me.
By the time the meeting was over, the day’s gray drizzle had turned into a hard rain. An appropriate meteorological commentary on my mood. I ran to Daisy’s dorm room, straightened my spine and knocked on her door. She was unpacking boxes.
I told her that I was amazed by the beauty of the school and so proud of her for getting in. I told her she didn’t need to text or call often. I said we’d talk through email and the occasional letter. I gave her a big hug, told her I loved her, then let her go.
Roma
First, I deeply trust your judgment and admire your courage. I’ve always known that each generation improves upon the ones before it, but to see that firsthand, and to see how much wiser you are and more instinctive about right and wrong than we were at your age, and how little you put up with dishonesty, it’s impressive. Sometimes the older we get, the less we hold on to those instincts. Trust yourself. You know the way. When you begin to doubt yourself, just know, you have everything you’ll ever need inside you.
Being away from the place and people and institutions that nurtured you since birth can and should be a liberating experience. This is a time for you to discover who you are, and to do so while not encumbered by the past. Be bold. Be free to define yourself. No one is there to say who you always have been, who you are — except for you.
We place a lot of emphasis in our society on the notion of independence, and sometimes I think we forget that standing on our own is a process, not an event. Know that you have your family and friends back home to turn to whenever you need help or feel lonely. We’re here, even across the distance.
Call every now and then just to say hello. No special requests for a package, no asks of any kind. Just a simple call.