Grandma favors ‘own’ kids over the bonus
Q: When my husband and I married we created a huge bonusfamily — with six children, all under 16. I had four, he had two. I share custody with my ex; my husband has sole custody of his because his ex died.
The problem is his mother. She severely favors my husband’s kids. She’ll bring presents for his kids and forget mine. It’s undermining everything we are trying to do. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A: I often tell the story of throwing a birthday party for my bonusdaughter and my own mother sneaking my daughter $50 when no one was looking. When I asked her why, she said she felt guilty making such a fuss over a stepchild while her own grandchild looked on. Of course, my daughter let the other children know about the extra cash, and I was left to explain to the rest of the kids why my mother wasn’t really that mean.
Like my own mother, your mother-in-law may be struggling with her own issues. She probably adores her grandchildren and worries that they may feel slighted if she treats her new bonus grandkids as well as she treats her own grandchildren.
Since their mother’s death, she could have been the primary “mom” figure, and now you’re here making her role feel less important. Putting yourself in her shoes (Ex-etiquette for parents rule #7, “Use empathy when problem solving”), you can see she probably has no idea how to handle the situation, and she’s walking the same tight rope parents walk when they try to combine families. How do I show my own children love without making bonus children feel like second-class citizens?
Of course, the next step is to have a conversation — but you should not initiate it. Since it’s your husband’s mother, let him take the lead. In grandma’s defense, she may not realize openly favoring a grandchild could actually hurt her bonuskids. If she does, and she’s doing this on purpose, that’s a problem and she needs to be set straight — fast.
It’s important that new bonus grandparents find ways to support the bonusfamily by not undermining the progress the bonusfamily is trying to make.
An easy way is to look for one-on-one time with their grandchildren when the bonuskids are with their own bio-relations. There are also things like trusts or special scholarships that can be set aside for biological grandchildren so a preference is not flaunted.
What this bonusfamily journey has taught me personally is that combining families is not just about the new family created. Extended family have their own struggles accepting new people, and if you don’t prepare them properly, you will face unexpected hazards.
I’ve often mentioned the “Before Exercise” in this column. It can be found on the Bonus Families website (www.bonusfamilies.com, key word: before) and offers help to those combining families by suggesting they ask each other specific questions prior to moving in together.
A sampling, “How do we want extended family to see our bonusfamily?” and “Will our children call our parents ‘grandma’ or ‘grandpa’?” These questions set the stage and establish boundaries for future interaction. I developed the “Before Exercise” as a result of having faced this situation myself.
Finally, being a bonus relative is a much bigger responsibility than many first imagine. Understanding that, and acting accordingly is — you guessed it — very good ex-etiquette.