That sinking feeling

JUNE

… the federal Office of Personnel Management announces that hackers have gained access to the personal records of millions of current and former government employees. An OPM statement downplays the seriousness of the data breach, stressing that “if anybody publishes any photos allegedly depicting an alleged Cabinet secretary with an alleged goat, those are fake,” further noting that “it was totally a consenting goat.”

In a historic decision on gay rights, the nation’s highest legal authority — Kim Davis, clerk of Rowan County, Ky. — overturns the U.S. Supreme Court’s ruling that state laws banning same-sex marriage are unconstitutional.

Meanwhile, in what is widely hailed as a brave and courageous display of bravery and courage, a 65-year-old woman allows herself to be pictured on the cover of Vanity Fair wearing only a corset.

In other gender news, the Treasury Department asks for input from the public on which woman will be depicted on the redesigned $10 bill. The immediate front-runners are Mary Ann, Ginger, Taylor Swift and the two sisters from “Frozen.”

On the political front, the big story is Donald Trump, who declares his candidacy for president and lays out a bold, far-reaching vision for America consisting of whatever thought is flitting through his mind at that particular moment. Also declaring his candidacy, and predicted by the experts to do far better, is Jeb Bush, whose official campaign slogan is: “Jeb! — The Exclamation Mark Denotes Enthusiasm.”

Speaking of excitement, in …

JULY

… the New Horizons interplanetary probe, having traveled more than 3 billion miles over nearly 10 years, finally reaches Pluto and transmits back data proving conclusively — in a discovery that sends shock waves of bladder malfunction throughout the astronomy community — that Pluto consists of both ice and rocks.

The nation reacts with horror to the news that a Minnesota dentist has killed Cecil the World’s Suddenly Most Beloved Lion. The dentist instantly becomes a less-popular version of Hitler and goes into hiding to escape animal-rights activists threatening to give him a root canal with a chain-saw.

In political news, the crowded field of Republican presidential hopefuls is joined by a person named “John Kasich,” who claims to have at one time been governor of Ohio, although nobody can verify this. On the Democratic side, enthusiasm builds for the candidacy of 147-year-old socialist Bernie Sanders and his populist plan for reining in Wall Street via a combination of stricter financial controls and strategic beheadings.

The big international news comes from Vienna, where Iran signs a deal with the United States and five other nations under which Iran, in exchange for a lot of money, promises to stop trying to build a nuclear bomb. President Obama says the deal “makes our country, and the world, safer and more secure.” For his part, Iran’s Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei says, quote, “Death to America,” but he says it in what U.S. negotiators describe as “a softer tone.”

In sports, the U.S. wins the Women’s World Cup, defeating Japan 5-2, with three of the goals being scored by Tom Brady wearing a Brandi Chastain model sports bra.

AUGUST

… The U.S. National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration reports that July was the hottest month globally ever recorded. With a renewed sense of urgency, the world’s industrialized nations vow to continue sending large delegations via jumbo jets to distant conferences on climate change until this darned thing has been licked.

In politics, the Republicans hold their first presidential debate, featuring approximately 75 candidates ranging outward in popularity from Donald Trump at center stage to John Kasich and the late Warren G. Harding out at the far edges. Trump dominates the evening, at one point ordering everybody to shut up while he takes a call onstage from Beyoncé. Savvy Washington-based political insiders agree, after conferring with other savvy Washington-based political insiders, that Trump’s unorthodox behavior will alienate voters and he will be out of the race by fall.

On the Democratic side, Hillary Clinton continues to have no choice but to roll her eyes over all these pesky scandals that her enemies keep dreaming up to prevent her from serving the American people, especially women. The current scandal involves the email server she used as secretary of state, which, in a deviation from government-security standards, was located in her home and had Mrs. Clinton’s personal secret password (“PASSWORD”) written on a sticky note stuck to the front.

SEPTEMBER

The popular Pope Francis becomes the first pope ever to address a joint meeting of Congress, issuing a powerful challenge to the lawmakers to work together toward solving pressing world problems, including hatred, poverty and pollution. Congress, inspired to take rare bipartisan action but apparently confused by Francis’ thick accent, votes unanimously to declare war on Greenland.

In political news, Republicans Rick Perry and Scott Walker drop out of the presidential race after polls show them both trailing the late Warren G. Harding. Meanwhile Donald Trump continues to present his vision for America’s future in the form of a steady stream of hastily composed tweets insulting people who have offended him. This strategy has Trump easily leading the GOP field, to the consternation of knowledgeable Washington-based insiders with vast knowledge pertaining to the inside of Washington.

In business news, the Environmental Protection Agency accuses Volkswagen of cheating on emissions testing, precipitating an international scandal that ultimately forces VW’s Martin Winterkorn to resign and take a job as equipment manager for the New England Patriots.

Speaking of scandals, in …

OCTOBER

… Hillary Clinton testifies for 127 straight hours before the House Committee On Investigating Benghazi Until The Earth Crashes Into The Sun. There are many testy exchanges between Clinton and Republican congressmen, but in the end the American public has a much clearer picture of the extremely high level of mutual loathing that makes our government work the way it does.

After much agonizing, Vice President Joe Biden announces that he will not run for president, stressing that the decision had nothing to do with the severed horse head wearing a HILLARY! button he found in his bed, which Biden says he believes “was meant in a supportive way.”

Meanwhile the Republican candidates’ debate on CNBC takes a lively turn when Ted Cruz, responding to a question about the federal budget agreement, throws a chair at moderator Carl Quintanilla. Knowledgeable Washington insiders declare that the clear debate winners are Cruz, Marco Rubio and Chris Christie, so it is no surprise that Donald Trump and Ben Carson surge still farther ahead in the polls.

A huge military blimp breaks loose from its moorings and rampages across Pennsylvania, wreaking havoc and knocking out power for thousands before being lured back into captivity by a Hello Kitty blimp hastily borrowed from the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade and positioned in what a Pentagon source describes as “a provocative pose.”

Speaking of havoc, in …

NOVEMBER

… the world reels in shock after horrific terrorist attacks in Paris and Mali. With rumors of new threats coming daily, the U.S. State Department briefly considers unleashing Neil Diamond and Barbra Streisand (code name “Doomsday Duet”) to sing “You Don’t Bring Me Flowers,” but elects instead to issue a Worldwide Travel Alert, warning American citizens to avoid potentially dangerous areas, “especially the Northern and Southern Hemispheres.”

But November is not just a time for fear: It is also a time, as Thanksgiving ushers in the holiday season, for all Americans, regardless of ethnicity, religion or political views, to be deeply offended. Nobody is more offended than college students, who stage a series of protests over the racism, sexism, fascism, heteronormism and — trigger warning — insensitive Halloween costumes that constitute the festering hellhole of hurtful things that is the modern American college campus and THERE IS NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT IT.

Also deeply offended in November are people who have taken time out of their busy lives to notice that the 2015 Starbucks holiday cup is just plain red and — trigger warning — does not have snowflakes or reindeer on it.

In the World Series, the Kansas City Royals defeat the New York Mets. The payrolls of these two teams combined are less than the payroll of the New York Yankees, who were eliminated immediately from the playoffs in the wild-card game by the Houston Astros, whose payroll is less than a third of the Yankees’.

As the month draws to a close, tensions in the Middle East run high amid rumors that the Obama administration, in what would be a major escalation of American presence, is considering staging a Black Friday sale in Syria. Fortunately these rumors prove to be false and the worst retail violence is confined within U.S. borders. But the world situation remains troubling in …

DECEMBER

… when, with the menacing specter of global climate change looming like some kind of spectral menace or something, 150 world leaders, finally getting serious about this urgent threat to the planet’s future, decide to stay home and confer via Skype.

Ha-ha! Seriously, the leaders all fly to Paris, where they and their security details and their vast minion entourages travel around in high-speed motorcades to attend dinners and make speeches about the importance of figuring out how to reduce these pesky carbon emissions.

On a more disturbing note, the Food and Drug Administration confirms reports that genetically modified fruits and vegetables have been escaping from supermarkets and mating in the wild with other species. The FDA stresses that this is “a manageable problem” and downplays sightings in Florida of a so-called “potator,” half potato and half alligator, which according to terrified locals lurks underground, has huge jaws and dozens of eyes, and can be stopped only by bullets tipped with sour cream.

In presidential politics, Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump.

But with the Iowa caucuses and New Hampshire primary just around the corner, analysts struggle to make sense of new polls showing that, suddenly, the clear leader in both states, for both parties, is Tom Brady. The scary part is: That wouldn’t be so bad. As the year finally staggers to a close, Americans set aside their differences, if only briefly, and join together in the cherished, time-honored tradition of pretending that New Year’s Eve is fun. So let’s raise a glass to toast the demise of 2015. Then let’s set the glass down untasted, in case, God forbid, it contains gluten. Then let’s go to bed.

Happy New Year.