Let grieving co-worker determine her workload

DEAR J.T. & DALE: A co-worker’s son died recently in a car accident. She is coming back to work soon. What is the appropriate thing to say besides, “I’m sorry for your loss?” And how much time should I give her before we start throwing a lot of work at her? — Heidi

Dale: It’s a credit to you that you’re thinking ahead to this situation. Here’s another case of “questions are the answer.” You express your sympathy, tell her that you want to support her however is best for her, then ask, “Do you want to talk about it? Or would you rather seek escape in your work?” And then ask if she would prefer an easy workload or a mind-numbing one. She’ll decide. Then, after a couple of weeks, ask again — her answer will change as she works through her grief.

J.T.: There is a great book that could help: “Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy,” by Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant. Sandberg is COO of Facebook and author of “Lean In.” She lost her husband last year. She writes about her own experience with grief and how to go on living fully. She talks about people asking her, “How are you doing?” and it frustrated her because she wanted to answer truthfully in the moment, which often was negative. So, in addition to the conversation Dale is suggesting, ask your co-worker for an agreement to have regular “check-ins” to make sure she isn’t feeling too overwhelmed. Lastly, expect her to be disengaged for a bit as she processes her emotions. Reassure her that you understand and that it’s OK for her to work through it on her own terms. Lastly, I encourage you to read the book. It will help you understand what she is going through so you can feel like you are doing the right thing.

Dear J.T. & Dale: I’ve been at my company for four years. I’ve been told by several higherups that I’m being “groomed” for an executive role. Yet my direct boss never discusses it. I’m not getting any formal training, and I don’t see how this is possible. Is it wrong for me to inquire about it? — Caleb

J.T.: I don’t think you can go to your boss and say, “I heard I’m on track to be an executive.” I do think you can set up a meeting to discuss your future with the company. You say, “I am hoping to progress my career and was wondering if we could discuss what track you see me being on, and how we can work together so I can move up while you get the results you need.” By sitting down and asking to build a game plan together, you’ll give your boss the opportunity to outline his or her vision for your career.

Dale: Almost all bosses work at helping employees get better. Most of them, however, are simply helping them get better at their current jobs; meanwhile, a few great bosses are thinking ahead to how they might help their best employees advance their careers. So when you have that conversation with your manager that J.T. suggests, be listening for indications as to which type of boss you have. If the talk is all about being more productive where you are, as opposed to about where you could be, you nevertheless have options. One long-shot possibility is to discuss what it would take for a promotion ... for your boss. Back in my corporate days, I had an informal deal with my manager that I’d help him get the director job and then I’d move into his manager slot. It worked. This could be a tricky conversation, so ease into it by talking about how to make the department a standout performer in the company. Then, beyond that conversation, raise your visibility with those executives who’ve been encouraging you.

Volunteer for corporate strategy meetings or charity events. Join (or start) an interdepartmental team for customer satisfaction or cost-cutting or whatever. Your goal is to be the logical one to promote, the one everyone knows and respects.