Poor leaders get little respect
Is a father owed respect from his children? Actually, the question, from a father, was rhetorical: Isn’t a father owed his children’s respect? The dad in question maintains that because he loves his children unconditionally, provides their standard of living (he is the sole breadwinner) and has made many sacrifices — financially and otherwise — on their behalf that he is owed their respect. By the way, his children are six, 10 and 14, and the disrespect at issue — sass, ignoring, demands, emotional outbursts and the nebulous but widespread “bad attitude” — is emanating primarily from the older two, but the six-year-old is beginning to follow her siblings’ footsteps.
No, a father is not owed respect from his children. Respect is not an entitlement. It is not really earned, either. It is claimed. An individual who occupies a leadership position — including the leadership of children — claims the respect of those he leads by consistently acting in a morally, ethically and authoritatively competent fashion. A leader who displays those qualities will be respected. That is true of leadership wherever it is found — in the business world, classroom, military, church and family.
Likewise, a leader who does not consistently
act in a competent fashion may obtain obedience, however reluctantly, from the people he or she leads, but will not obtain their respect. The problem here, even when the people in question are children, is the leader, not the led (albeit the led are certainly behaving problematically). The fact is, leadership positions are sometimes occupied by individuals who are not effective leaders.
As anyone who understands the mechanics of proper leadership will attest, attempting to have wonderful relationships with one’s presumed followers — no matter the context — renders effective leadership impossible. In parenting, one of the signs of a parent who is prioritizing relationship — a parent who wants to be liked, in other words — is children who lack respect for said parent. They often act toward the parent as if he is a peer because, unbeknownst to him, that is what he is trying to be. The problem is his doing, but because the most overt misbehavior is coming from the kids, the parent thinks the kids are the problem. That’s an example of judging the book by the cover. It’s a mistake that leads to ramping up discipline, a response that not only fails, but also usually makes the problem worse. Ironically, whereas striving for relationship undermines leadership, proper leadership eventually leads to proper relationship.