Love & money
Talking to your partner about debt
Some secrets are harmless in relationships, like eating the last slice cake or not brushing your teeth before bed. But others — like massive debt — have to be dealt with.
Here are a few tips on how to face it and fess up:
1 Be honest
You don’t have to share your credit report on your first date, but consider discussing such matters in serious relationships.
The longer you wait to divulge the details of your financial stress, the more betrayed your beloved may feel when you eventually do it, said Don Cole, clinical director of the Seattle-based Gottman Institute, which conducts research on relationships.
“It’s better to be honest than to get caught,” Cole says. “The relationship is going to be able to repair much better from a shared problem than one that’s discovered.”
2 Gather the facts
First, nail down the specifics of the debt for yourself, says Kelly Luethje, a certified financial planner in Boston.
Understand your loans’ and credit cards’ outstanding balances, accompanying interest rates and payoff dates. That may help you gain some control and take the first step toward developing a plan to get out of debt.
3 Broach the subject gently
Ask your partner to set aside time to talk. Pick a weeknight rather than a Friday or Saturday, says W. Bradford Wilcox, director of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia. He says weekends should be reserved for having fun, reconnecting and maintaining spontaneity, all of which strengthen long-term relationships.
Start the conversation with an “I feel” statement, followed by what you’re concerned about and what you need next. That could be something like: “I worry about talking to you about money, but because I love you, I need to tell you about my finances.”
Explain the circumstances of your debt. Are you spending beyond your means, or did you pay for school without any help from family? Has your behavior changed since you first built up a credit card balance, or is spending still an issue?
Then talk about your plan to pay it off.
Debt is stressful and can feel shameful, but it doesn’t define you. Opening up and asking for encouragement to address it could even bring you and your partner closer.