Will you give first­born to win Ama­zon HQ2?

Albuquerque Journal - - OPINION - ALEXAN­DRA PETRI Colum­nist

THE PLACE WHERE I DIS­CLOSE THAT JEF­FREY P. BE­ZOS, THE FOUNDER OF AMA­ZON, ALSO OWNS THE WASH­ING­TON POST — Ama­zon has an­nounced it will split its much-bal­ly­hooed HQ2 into two to find out which city loves it more.

“We will be able to tell what city re­ally de­serves HQ2 be­cause its true home will not suf­fer it to be split,” Ama­zon said. “I read this in the Bible.”

So far, the ci­ties still con­tend­ing for the sec­ond head­quar­ters have not re­sponded with the an­tic­i­pated ges­ture of self­less re­nun­ci­a­tion and have only re­dou­bled their ef­forts to out­bid one an­other. At the time of writ­ing, one mayor was fran­ti­cally promis­ing to build an en­tirely new Wharf Where No Wharf Was Be­fore on Top of a Fully Man-made Lake, The Most Beau­ti­ful Lake on Earth, Open Ex­clu­sively to Prime Mem­bers and Filled En­tirely With ThirdWave Cof­fee, Where a Restau­rant Will Sell a Steak So Good as To Be Al­most Sus­pi­cious, Linked via a Ma­glev Skytrain to the Main City, of Which the En­tire Home­less Pop­u­la­tion Will Be Sealed Into Pods and Sent Else­where.

An­other vowed he would not only give Jef­frey P. Be­zos a golden ap­ple la­beled “for the fairest” but would also of­fer the hand of He­len of Troy, make him the wis­est man on earth and give him do­min­ion over many lands.

The third city said it loved Ama­zon “more than words can wield the mat­ter, dearer than eye­sight, space and lib­erty” and, just to demon­strate its fealty, went ahead and gut­ted its hu­man ser­vices bud­get to build an in­vis­i­ble float­ing city with gold-paved streets that would be ac­ces­si­ble only to Ama­zon em­ploy­ees, even if they did not wind up lo­cat­ing there.

“Just tell us how ex­pen­sive you want hous­ing to be, and we swear we will match it — if not dou­ble it,” one gover­nor sobbed on a con­fer­ence call while sign­ing his first­born’s name in blood in the Kin­dle of the Beast to bind him to the ser­vice of Ama­zon.

In the next city, sev­eral sci­en­tists an­nounced that they had man­aged to bring Alexa to life and give her cor­po­real form, and they swore that if Ama­zon brought HQ2 to them, they would find a way to make her ca­pa­ble of love.

An­other vowed, “We will present to Ama­zon the jarred souls of three town al­der­men, and fur­ther­more it shall have the voices of all our cit­i­zens who were try­ing to raise slight con­cerns about the lav­ish in­cen­tives — we have taken th­ese voices and sealed them into a seashell that can be played at any time by speak­ing the right com­mand into an Ama­zon Echo Dot — and fur­ther­more we shall give Be­zos a fly­ing ship!”

Yet an­other city vol­un­teered if nec­es­sary to take care of Elon Musk — “Just drop the hint and we’ll do it, we’re not se­ri­ous ha ha un­less you’re se­ri­ous but ob­vi­ously we wouldn’t ac­tu­ally UN­LESS YOU WANTED IT THOUGH any­way watch this space.”

New York shrugged and said it was New York and did not care, but pri­vately re­vealed a plan to re­move all rats per­ma­nently for good and send them Else­where, as well as to build a gon­dola for only Ama­zon work­ers and to stage an an­nual glad­i­a­to­rial con­test, if that was what Ama­zon wanted. “I’ll change my name to Ama­zon Cuomo,” Gov. An­drew Cuomo added — Oh no, I thought I was mak­ing th­ese things up, but this one is real.

Un­less all ju­ris­dic­tions but one bow out to keep HQ2 in­tact, fur­ther es­ca­la­tions could in­clude not only ex­empt­ing Ama­zon from pay­ing taxes but also man­dat­ing that ev­ery state tax­payer march by the head­quar­ters with head un­cov­ered to of­fer their chil­dren as trib­ute; hav­ing all state tax­pay­ers do part of a shift so Ama­zon em­ploy­ees can quickly pee; and, just speak­ing on be­half of all state tax­pay­ers, en­sur­ing that if any Ama­zon ex­ec­u­tives need kid­neys, they will def­i­nitely find them a kid­ney; please don’t ask ques­tions.

An­other al­ter­na­tive con­sid­ered by Ama­zon in­stead of split­ting HQ2 in half was to split the head­quar­ters into a thou­sand shards and place one in ev­ery city that re­quested it, ex­pe­dit­ing the trans­for­ma­tion of the en­tire coun­try into, quote, Em­ployer’s Par­adise, but this was re­jected as “some­thing to save for later.”

Aaaaah please don’t fire me.

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