Adages, proverbs won’t solve disagreements
Proverbs are handy little sayings that make a lot of sense when you need inspiration, direction and guidance or just want to sound smart. Regardless of your education, age, ancestry, race, religion, sex or sexual orientation, everybody knows at least one. In fact, given our common experiences, it really doesn’t matter if you’re from the Middle East, far west, arctic north or Antarctica, our proverbs are almost identical. Sometimes we add some favorable texture or reference to our native experiences, but we are all saying the same thing.
“A stitch in time, saves nine,” “an apple a day keeps the doctor away,” “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure,” “Gobernar es prever” are examples of proverbs originating from different cultures, but mean essentially the same thing. Let’s solve problems now before they get any bigger. There are certainly enough books, poems, posters and wall art that try to capture the sentiments and insight of these proverbs, and hopefully influence positive behavior. It’s ironic that despite their abundance and best intentions, many people, everywhere and every day, are reluctant to abide by their wisdom.
For example, when listening carefully to anyone involved in a conflict, legal or otherwise, each person often acknowledges that a problem exists. It’s also fairly remarkable and apparent that everyone is looking for a resolution. Believe it or not, for the most part, all agree to a certain extent, on the manner in which the problem could be solved. This seems true regardless of experiences, backgrounds or persuasions. However, if there is any slight disagreement, which there is certain to be, then the supposed resolution takes a turn, and focuses on the differences, which there are certain to be.
When the differences are highlighted and perchance exaggerated, the sayings “Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face!” and “Don’t throw good money after bad!” are completely ignored or discarded. These maxims are typically good guidance and should be considered for anyone embroiled in conflict. Notwithstanding, they are often replaced by the adages: “Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!” or “Fools rush in where angels fear to tread!” While these particular sayings might constitute good advice in certain situations, unfortunately, they often lead to larger disagreements.
While there are many truisms describing conflict, there are only a few which provide advice on how to resolve conflict. For example, “(We) must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects revenge, aggression and retaliation” or “Conflict cannot survive without your participation.” While these thoughts provide a general foundation for resolution, they regrettably leave open the question of how intelligent, well-intentioned, and hardworking people solve disagreements. Some believe that our instincts trigger a fight, flight, fabricate, communicate or mediate response.
Our fight instincts encourage a, “Might makes right” attitude. Our flight instincts allow for a “Live and let live” response. Regrettably, neither of these reactions provides a true resolution to whatever problems exist. With the use of fabrication, we are typically left with a taste of distrust, an unresolved differences and a feeling that “Two wrongs don’t make a right.” Communication and mediation are the best methods to settle any dispute. Both approaches involve many aspects, but, at a minimum, each requires us to listen to the other person’s perspective. It’s not easy sometimes because our viewpoints may be so contrary, but “Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak. Courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.” It can also be very helpful if we focused on the proposition that we “Don’t find fault. (We) find a remedy.” If we’re able to rein in our emotions of frustration and ire, we would also be more likely to reach a positive resolution. As history tells us, “Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger,” and “Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it stands than to anything on which it is poured.”
Many people fear conflict because they feel like it’s a fight. It certainly can be an adversarial process and may instigate many uncomfortable emotions, but conflict is an inherent component of our human existence. As long as we keep in mind “Peace is not an absence of conflict, it is the ability to handle conflict by peaceful means,” we should be able to reach a way of life that makes us a better person and the world a better place in the midst of any discord.