THE LIGHTER SIDE

God bless America, and how’s everybody?

Forbes ranked the New York ■ Knicks the world’s most valuable sports franchise, at $4 billion. The team is terrible this year. If the Army Corps of Engineers could put up bricks as fast as the Knicks put up bricks every night, the border wall would be finished by now and 40 feet high.

The White House pulled the U.S. out of its missile ■ deal with Russia because Russia is cheating to get ahead. Scientists did move the Doomsday Clock up to 90 seconds before midnight last week. Western civilization is so suicidal that we schedule Valentine’s Day in the middle of flu season.

The National Retail Federation predicted that ■ Americans will spend $20 billion on Valentine’s gifts this year. It’s an emotion-packed week. Valentine’s Day is always followed by Presidents Day, which honors politicians, so we pretty much cover love and hate in a week.

A Royal Caribbean ship had to return to port ■ recently after all the passengers got sick from the food. They were beset by vomiting and diarrhea. To increase business, ocean cruise lines should stop advertising all the sights you’ll see and start advertising all the weight you will lose. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood, and entertains groups around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.