Model cit­i­zens and mopes on dope in cop re­port

Antelope Valley Press (Sunday) - - News -

Ar­riv­ing in Morro Bay on Fri­day night, I dis­cov­ered a new lo­cal weekly news­pa­per of­fered for free at lo­cal es­tab­lish­ments.

It’s good to see, es­pe­cially when the trend is to­ward news­pa­pers dis­ap­pear­ing.

I make the trip up here ev­ery Septem­ber to cheer on The Palmdale Aerospace Academy Griffins in the big Morro Bay In­vi­ta­tional cross coun­try meet.

The new pa­per, the Es­tero Bay News, is one of those clas­sic week­lies that serve small towns across the na­tion. It re­minds me a bit of Cen­tral New York’s Red Creek

Her­ald, for which my late Aunt June was a long­time colum­nist and one­time editor.

My fa­vorite sec­tion of small-town week­lies is al­ways the po­lice blot­ter or crime re­port. It serves as a stark re­minder of how mat­ters that we sub­ur­ban Los An­ge­les County dwellers might con­sider triv­ial are news­wor­thy in other lo­cales.

Re­ports of racoons in at­tics, pass­ing mo­torists giv­ing some­one “the fin­ger,” the lit­ter­ing of a soft drink cup, and some­one dock­ing a boat in the wrong berth have made the Red Creek Her­ald crime re­port, for ex­am­ple.

We can only wish we had such mi­nor in­ci­dents in our area.

I read the news­pa­pers wher­ever I go, and the Es­tero Bay News po­lice re­port is like none I have seen.

Here is lo­cal crime with a sense of hu­mor. It is a dry, sar­donic sense of hu­mor at that. To wit:

“Aug. 31: Po­lice con­tacted a sus­pi­cious fel­low at 9:47 a.m. at Leila Keiser Park. The 56-year-old model cit­i­zen was ar­rested for sus­pi­cion of being high on drugs, pos­sess­ing drugs and drug para­pher­na­lia, and thus was drug to County Jail.”

“Aug. 28: Po­lice took a re­port of elder abuse, which is a vi­o­la­tion of the Fifth Com­mand­ment, for which they’ll no doubt take the Fifth Amend­ment.”

“Aug. 25: Some­one had it their way at Burger King, as the man­ager turned in a coun­ter­feit $100 bill. Po­lice flipped the whop­per over to the DA, with a side of fries.”

“Aug. 19: Po­lice re­sponded to a call of a dis­tur­bance at 9 p.m. in the 1500 block of Main. A 30-year-old train wreck was ar­rested for sus­pi­cion of bat­tery on a po­lice of­fi­cer, re­sist­ing ar­rest, and dis­turb­ing the peace. The dis­agree­able fel­low went to the hoosegow for a lit­tle time­out.”

There are col­or­ful de­scrip­tions of lev­els of drug in­tox­i­ca­tion. One fel­low, for ex­am­ple, was “high as the stacks” (the three 450-foot tall stacks from the for­mer Morro Bay Power Plant, vis­i­ble for 10 miles).

A man and woman were ar­rested on sus­pi­cion of being “mopes on dopes.”

A “58-year-old lady ine­bri­ate was ad­vised to cease and de-shut up.”

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