MISS MANNERS
Dear Miss Manners: After enjoying a Thanksgiving meal at a restaurant, I was shocked to be scolded by my elderly and generally very well-mannered mother about the way I interact with waiters and others in service positions.
It has always seemed to me that the world could use a bit more kindness and respect, and people whose job it is to serve the public probably need more than most. Moreover, I have never seen the people working in service industries as in any way beneath me. I have great respect for anyone who is honest and hardworking.
So, I called the waiter “sir” when I needed his attention. I spoke to him in full sentences, made eye contact when addressing him, said “please,” “thank you” and “if it is not too much trouble,” knowing full well that it was his job to go to the trouble. At the end of the meal, I returned his cheerful wish that we have a nice holiday.
There were brief pleasantries, but no chatting about anything personal, and certainly no flirting.
Apparently, my mother feels that I am inappropriately treating waitstaff and salesclerks as if they were hosting me in their homes, rather than providing a paid service, that I am making them uncomfortable by blurring boundaries, and that I am wasting their time by using too many words.
If this is the case, I am missing it completely. I always seem to be given excellent service, and the service providers seem pleasant enough. Is my mother correct that I am too polite in these circumstances?
Dear Gentle Reader: The custom to which your mother is referring dates from when servants were considered robots. When Miss Manners once waited on a table at a charity event, then socialized with the guests afterward, they repeated much of their dinner conversation — imagining that she had not heard it when standing silently behind their chairs.
The presumption of invisibility is now recognized as rude.
If you were interfering with service or getting personal, your mother would be right to object. It is also patronizing to assume that waiters are available for friendship, much less flirting. But simple courtesy is always welcome.
Dear Miss Manners: Is it still considered vulgar to wear both gold and silver jewelry at the same time?
Dear Gentle Reader: Please — Miss Manners gets enough flak when she cites the rule against wearing major stones (other than marriage rings) in daylight.
Some people do not like to mix metals, but if you do, go right ahead.
Dear Miss Manners: The father of my daughter is engaged. At our daughter’s birthday party, which I was hosting, his fiancee was introducing herself to my daughter’s guests as her stepmom.
They are not married yet! Is this an acceptable way for her to introduce herself?
Dear Gentle Reader: Is this an argument you want to have, when she presumably will be?
Address your etiquette questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners. com; to her email, dearmiss manners@gmail. com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.