A word on couples counseling, abuse

Dear Annie: I’ve noticed that in many of your responses, you recommended seeking marriage counseling. I wanted to tell you that people in abusive relationships should not get couples counseling together, as there is a power imbalance and abusers can use therapy against the abused partner. If the therapist is not aware of the abuse, the whole therapeutic process can be compromised. As written on the website for the National Domestic Violence Hotline, “We at The Hotline do not encourage anyone in an abusive relationship to seek counseling with their partner. Abuse is not a relationship problem.”

I would urge your readers who may be in abusive relationships to seek individual counseling to help him decide how to proceed.

— Counseling Student Dear Counseling Student: Thank you for sharing this information. Readers can learn more at https:// www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couplestherapy-with-my-abusivepartner/.

Dear Annie: I am finding it hard to co-parent with my daughter’s father because of his betrayal. While we were together, he married his ex-girlfriend behind my back so that she could gain citizenship into this country. I only found out because I did the unthinkable and went through his phone after noticing some weird behavior. I know that was wrong, but he had no intention of telling me what he had done and planned on living a double life (his own words).

Shortly after discovering this information, I found out I was pregnant. While it would have been easier to terminate the pregnancy, I had always wanted another child, so I made the decision to see my pregnancy through. We now have a beautiful baby girl.

I thought I could be strong enough to co-parent, but I am finding it difficult to do so with someone whose actions I am grieving from and who makes poor decisions. Not only did he marry her behind my back, but he is now NOT going to see their marriage through and is dating someone else 10 years older than him. I personally do not like the idea of having different people around my daughter as this is not something I will be exposing her to on my end. Any advice?

— Protective Parent Dear Protective Parent: Your daughter’s well-being and safety are of the utmost importance, and it sounds like when she’s around her father, those things are in jeopardy. If you truly feel you cannot trust him to care for or keep her best interest in mind, you might consider what options you have for officially obtaining full custody. I don’t doubt that her father could be a positive presence in her life at some point, but until he wants to change, make the effort and prioritize her, he is a disaster — nothing more than an unpredictable stressor to you both.

Despite the difficulties you’ve described, you are selflessly raising and protecting your daughter. Don’t lose sight of the amazing job you’re doing.