Parent sticks by abusive partner to give their child a ‘stable’ family

Hi, Carolyn: I’m in a relationship (not married) with a toddler. If we didn’t have a kid, I’d break up with him and happily never speak again. But I read so much about how kids thrive in stable families and are damaged by splits or divorces other than in highly abusive situations. My partner is not physically abusive but checks a lot of other boxes: yelling, vicious anger, name-calling, silent treatments. I don’t know where the line is. I just can’t bear the thought of giving up half the time with my kid, and damaging him by splitting up the only home he’s known. How do I decide? – Anonymous

Anonymous: You decide from an informed position, and soon: Please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline, thehotline.org, the moment you feel safe doing it. The counsel it offers is not just for violent situations; it’s for any abusive conditions in a relationship. The staff can get you started on the legal and emotional path to save your kid. The “yelling, vicious anger, namecalling, silent treatment” are abusive – highly. They’re also profoundly destabilizing to a home environment. That’s true as is, but you also must account for the possibility of escalation.

Even if you weren’t describing an abusive environment, though, your conception of thriving would stop me. I don’t see any child deriving stable-family benefits from the degree of misery you describe. Either way: What even babies get from a high-stress home is poor emotional modeling and enough cortisol to interfere with their mental health later on. Don’t take it from a layperson like me; ask your child’s pediatrician or the hotline. You’re in a tough spot, I’m sorry – and it’s asking you to be tougher about protecting your kid.

Dear Carolyn: My fiancé and I bought a waterfront home together. This is our permanent residence. Last summer was our first full summer in the home, and it was exhausting entertaining adult children (mine and his), grandchildren and their friends, etc., all summer long. I am a welcoming hostess and do everything I can do to make everyone feel at home. Here is the problem: I am dreading the upcoming summer. The laundry from a houseful of people, food and drink bills, and the cleanup. For this coming summer, I asked my fiancé if we can have a calendar so that we can space out these visits and have some downtime for ourselves, at least every other week. He rolls his eyes and does not seem on board with what I think is a very reasonable request. He never says “no,” and I’m exhausted thinking about it. I would love your help here. – Anonymous

Anonymous: In my facial-expression-to-English dictionary, an eye roll means, “I hereby volunteer to strip all the beds, wash all the sheets and return all the hosting spaces to guest-readiness myself, because I am not the kind of presumptuous jerk who would expect you to do all the work while denying you any say in the amount.” If he disagrees with this interpretation, then do not marry him.

It’s possible I have never written anything with more conviction.

You are full partners in running your shared lives, period. Basic consideration for each other is the minimum. The longer you wait to set and hold that minimum standard, the taller the emotional laundry pile gets.