Couples annoy singles, vice versa
Envy, misconceptions blow differences out of proportion
WALNUT CREEK, Calif. — You know when a bunch of couples go out for a birthday or other celebration and don’t invite their one single friend? Anne Kenney hates that.
“I get excluded socially, and the only way to get together is if we do a girls night,” says Kenney, 49, of San Mateo, Calif.
Oh yeah? Well, Kashina Lee, who has been in a relationship for four years, gets annoyed when her single friends constantly complain about being single.
“Their whole focus seems to be on finding a partner,” says Lee, 37, of Santa Clara, Calif.
Can singles and couples be friends? Sure, we maintain rewarding friendships with people of the opposite status, but not without the occasional wince of irritation: Can a single friend at least try to take an interest in your child? Can your coupled friend talk about anything besides how great her boyfriend is?
It’s harder than you think. It may appear that Sam has totally changed since he settled down, but a Stanford University study published earlier this year helps to explain why singles perceive marrieds as smug and marrieds pity singles. We actually tend to idealize our current relational status as a way to feel good about what is permanent in our lives (much like we idealize our religion). In other words, if you don’t see your relationship changing, you’re more likely to glorify it.
But, if we acknowledge that envy is at the root of most complaints and even misconceptions that we harbor — that singles are selfish, for instance, or that people in relationships lack individuality — we can reap the obvious benefits of spending time with people of the opposite status, says marriage and family therapist Bonnie L. Faber.
“It’s not that singles don’t like couples; it’s that when you’re alone and it’s not your choice, it can be hard to see a couple have what you want,” says Faber, of San Jose. “You can also have envy the other way. Someone who feels stuck in a relationship sees the fun and freedom in singlehood. That’s what’s underneath the button-pushing.”
Lee is aware of that. Even though she is happy in her relationship, she says there are things that she misses about being single, such as cooking for one or making spontaneous plans without having to run them by someone.
Still, she understands why her single friends seek companionship. “When I was single, I saw my friends in relationships, and I also wanted to talk about plans for the future with someone, or have an automatic date to bring to events,” she says. “It all comes down to the old saying, ‘The grass is always greener on the other side.’”
In the Stanford study, a team of social psychology researchers in the university’s Graduate School of Business found that, regardless of satisfaction, people tend to evangelize their own relational status, especially if they don’t see their circumstances changing. It’s the same with work, explains lead researcher Kristin Laurin.
“If you’re in a job that you don’t like or can’t get out of, you’re going to be motivated to idealize it and say it’s a good job and I’m lucky to have it,” she says.
Gabe Vasquez doesn’t glorify his marriage or role as a parent, but he’d sure like his single buddies to take an interest in his son. Vasquez, 29, of Concord, Calif., has been a father for more than a year but says that his single friends rarely make an effort to play with his 17-month-old.
When they go out for beers, it’s much of the same. Work and partying dominate the conversation. There’s seldom any inquiry about little Andre.
“I don’t expect them to know every stage [of development], but it would be nice if they asked how he’s doing or if he’s, like, walking or talking,” he says.
San Francisco single Jennifer Roberts has three friends who are married with children and another who is expecting. When the conversation gets baby-centric, Roberts, 35, sometimes grows quiet, but it’s not because she doesn’t know what to say or can’t relate.
“I want a baby, so it brings up issues for me,” she says.
But as Faber says, if you accept the envy and move past it, you are able to try on different roles — in Roberts’ case, being an auntie for a day or watching modern couples parent — and even find inspiration for your own life.
“It’s a beautiful process to watch someone go from being single to growing up with a partner and getting married,” Roberts says. “It gives me hope for myself.”
This past summer, something happened to Anne Kenney, the San Mateo single, that gave her hope for her friendships with couples.
Kenney’s neighbors, a married couple, invited her to a barbecue. Of the 17 guests, Kenney was the only single person. There she was, mingling confidently with eight couples.
“I had a great time and profusely thanked them — like, 10 times — for inviting me,” she says. “They looked at me like I was crazy, but it just meant so much to me to be invited.”