Couple need to share grief for terminated pregnancy
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married 13 years. Early on, we struggled to have children and needed reproductive specialists in order to have our two beautiful girls, ages 4 and 8. During my wife’s second pregnancy she had mini-strokes. We were advised against another pregnancy, which surprisingly happened two months ago. Faced with the difficult decision of continuing the pregnancy and risking my wife’s health, or ending the life of a child we would never see, know or raise, we chose the latter.
My wife feels I’m not grieving because I’m trying to show little, if any, emotion. I assure you I hurt inside enormously. How can I reassure her of such, while trying to be a “strong man”? And how do we avoid the stigma associated with our choice by those who may have known about the pregnancy? Never has the quote “Don’t judge people until you have walked a mile in their shoes” rung so true. — Dad of Two Flowers
and One Angel DEAR DAD: I’m sorry about your loss, and for the pain you and your wife are experiencing. However, while I appreciate that you are trying to be strong and put on a brave face, that may not be what she needs right now. A grief therapist could help you two reconnect on an emotional level and communicate your feelings more effectively with each other.
As to your worries about “stigma” for ending a pregnancy that put your wife’s life at risk, there shouldn’t be any. While bringing a new life into the world is wonderful, your wife has a greater responsibility to her two little girls. They need their mother — as do you.
If anyone has the gall to make a negative comment, her response should be that the pregnancy was terminated because her doctors told her that carrying it to term might have resulted in her death. Anyone who would judge your wife after hearing that isn’t worth her time or yours. Trust me on that.
DEAR ABBY: I was at my eye doctor’s office yesterday, sitting in a small waiting room waiting for my eyes to dilate. There were five of us in there, quietly thumbing through magazines or listening to a TV on a low volume.
A woman in her 20s walked in and joined us. No sooner did she sit down than her cellphone rang. For the next half-hour she proceeded to talk loudly. I was so annoyed and distracted it was all I could do not to grab that phone out of her hand. Other people looked her way, but no one said anything. There was no sign requesting people to turn off their phones.
Abby, what can be done about cellphone rudeness?
— Miffed DEAR MIFFED: Someone should have gotten up, complained to the office manager that the extended phone call was intrusive and disturbing everyone, and suggested that a sign be posted telling patients that cellphones are to be used only in emergencies.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069.