Otus the Head Cat
Time to decorate the tree.
Dear Otus,
The turkey wasn’t even cold Thursday when our stupid neighbors across the street put up their Christmas tree and decorations. Full-blown lights and tinsel everywhere. Their dog ate a ton of it and coughed it up on my lawn.
In my day, we didn’t decorate until much closer to Dec. 25. When did America get so crazy?
— Walt Kowalski, Sherwood
Dear Walt,
It was wholly a pleasure to hear from you and to commiserate with your consternation.
American holiday traditions come from a variety of sources, usually the country of immigrational origin, but you can blame this tinsel thing on the English missionary Winfrid (later called Boniface) who lived around A.D. 700.
It seems some 1,300 years ago Winfrid (the name means “cold wind”) or Boniface (the name means “pretty boy”) was proselytizing through northern Germany. One day he happened upon a group of heathens at an oak tree preparing to sacrifice little Prince Asulf to the god Thor. Winfrid, a mighty man among men, smote the heathens, halted the sacrifice and cut down the “blood oak.” In its place a young silk fir tree appeared and Winfrid told the pagans it was the “tree of life,” representing Christ.
The pagans, suitably impressed, were instantly converted and decided to celebrate Christes Masse (Christ’s Mass, or Christmas). To simulate icicles, they decorated the tree with thin strips cut from their leather body armor. These they called estinceles or, as we know it today, tinsel.
Bjorn the Berserker, their hunting mastiff, ate the tinsel in an apparent attempt to become one with the tree of life. He then passed water upon the tree, marking it as his own, and assumed a pious demeanor.
Winfrid noted the reverent behavior of the lowly animal and brought the tradition, and the tree, back to England, where it came to America with the earliest settlers and found a home in Capitol rotundas across the land.
Such is the stuff of Christmas legend.
Some holiday habits die hard; others have been adapted to modern times. The original 12 days of Christmas, for example, once began with a shot of warm ale on St. Wassail’s Day and ended on Epiphany, Jan. 6. In 1923 (or ’25, the precise date is uncertain), New York merchants faced with sagging winter sales had an epiphany of their own and realized that, with enough advertising, Americans could be persuaded to begin celebrating the season on the last Friday in November.
Almost immediately there was a run on Southeast Asian frankincense and myrrh and the world’s stockpiles of aromatic plant gum and resin were depleted. This, most historians agree, led directly to Japan’s participation in World War II, the atomic bomb, the Cold War and fluoride in our drinking water.
Ever since, that Friday has been known as “Black” Friday.
Most people do not realize that many current Christmas traditions were adopted directly from the pagan world. This includes the date finally settled upon for Jesus’ birth. It wasn’t until A.D. 354 that Pope Liberius ordered everybody to celebrate Dec. 25. The decision allowed folks to switch from the long-established Feast of Saturn, a midwinter affair honoring the return of longer days.
The yule log, or Juul, is another tradition from the Norse. In ancient days a huge oak log was burned to honor Thor, the god of thunder. Today, due in part to the depletion of old-growth forests and Sierra Club protests, modern Americans light the traditional Christmas DuraLog, a long-lasting synthetic composite formed from wood chips, pulp byproducts and a petroleum derivative.
Christmas lights once represented the stars in heaven over the manger in Bethlehem. These days they celebrate the Wonderful World of Disney and the cult of Mickey Mouse. Many of the faithful make the annual pilgrimage to Florida to worship the revered rodent.
Santa Claus got his name from St. Nicholas, whom Dutch settlers called Sinterklaas. In France he’s called Pere No el. In Italy he’s La Befana, and in Switzerland the “jolly old elf” is called Christkindli (Kris Kringle).
The American poet Clement Moore standardized his appearance in 1823 and today American children know him as Home Improvement’s beloved Tim Allen in The Santa Clause movies.
Mistletoe was once used as a lucky charm by ancient Celtic Druids and people used to hang it over doorways for good fortune. Anyone caught standing under it used to have to give a lucky kiss to the person catching him. This practice has fallen into disfavor following a rash of sexual harassment litigation.
Until next time, Kalaka reminds you the holiday season officially ends Dec. 30 with the traditional ceremonial cutting up of the credit cards.
Disclaimer
Fayetteville-born Otus the Head Cat’s award-winning column of Z humorous fabrication X appears every Saturday. Email: mstorey@arkansasonline.com